October 23, 2012
There comes a point in every betch’s day when someone says, does, or eats something so offensive that words cannot possibly express your overdramatized rage. Be it that your fashion nemesis insta’ed a picture of the same nouveau leopard Céline bag you just bought, your professor's sweat stains are bigger than city from which your housekeeper emigrated, or someone in a five mile radius is wearing Angel, there is a tried and tested method of displaying our lack of support for these people's existence. This brings us to dirty looks.
For betches, condescending expressions are pretty much our second language. I give so many that I like don’t remember how to emote verbally. In fact, there are even several different types of dirty looks that allow us to display a different emotion in any given situation. This is our 5-point plan for telling people to fuck off.
1. The Blank Stare: There is an important balance between being extremely intense and doing nothing at all. If you don’t know how to gaze in a furiously subdued manner then you are probably the offspring of some teacher’s lounge love affair. The perfect blank stare says "yes I hear you but in no world would I possibly ever care enough about what you're saying to actually take it in and process it."
*Audience most often used includes parental rants, professor lectures, friends talking about issues that don't involve you.
2. The Subtle Nostril Flare: Not to be confused with the lesbian angry face that rodeo bulls make. This is a subtle rising of the bottom part of ONLY one side of your nose. This is how a betch symbolizes that she is grossed out by something on a deep, existential level. Ew did she just instagram from alphabet city?
* Audience most often includes friends who are mildly irritating and any actions taken by the dud.
3. The Less Subtle Nostril Flare: You may not have guessed but this is a more extreme version of the subtle nostril flare. This gesture denotes that you are so annoyed that a simple eyebrow raise won’t convey it to the proper degree. Half and half, really?
*Audience includes, your frenemy at the bars, a fugly girl near you, the mention of anyone you generally hate.
4. Eyelid Tension: If you want to convey greater disapproval than an eyebrow raise will offer, squeezing together the skin above your eyes is a great way to tell people that you are vexed. This was a common method for the aristocracy to give shit to commoners. How retro.
*Audience includes poor people, the nice guy who hasn't finished your paper in time for class, the barista taking 10 fucking minutes to make your latte.
5. The pursing of the lips a la Miranda Priestly: This look will pretty much induce suicide.
To be honest, dirty looks are just an extension of our laziness. And frankly, fake smiling becomes tiresome. It's like, why would we want to waste precious energy and time vocalizing our feelings? Fuck feelings. Feelings are for the working class. Dirty looks follow the same logic as summer internships: if you want me to work hard, you should pay me, but for now, I'll just sit here and stare at you/the computer.
Giving a dirty look is the antidote to empathy. Instead of us giving a shit about other people's feelings, we simply contort our faces to show others that we think they're fucking disgusting. This sort of exchange between betches and others is just another way in which we exert our animal dominance in girl world. If our betch ancestors have taught us anything, it's that your regime is only as powerful as your clenched jaw while looking at Crocs.
Cause you don't wanna miss a thing