December 24, 2015
This time of year is absolute shit in terms of news or otherwise noteworthy things on the internet, so websites turn to listicles and roundup posts to fulfill their content obligations. But while Buzzfeed is busy churning out faux-nostalgic shit like this that makes me sadly question where my youth went (making it genuinely nostalgic, I guess), one important piece of 90s pop-culture has been overlooked. I'm talking about Glamour Shots, and yes, they still exist.
For those of you too young to remember, Glamour Shots were mall storefronts where women and girls used to go to take the worst possible pictures imaginable. I'm talking cliched filtered light, cheap costume jewelry, bright red lipstick, elbow-length gloves and the hair done in either a rock-hard updo or curled like an old lady's, NO EXCEPTIONS.
Are you trying to seduce me, or are you interrupting "Salute Your Shorts" to tell me to say no to drugs?
Unfortunately, those kinds of Glamour Shots are a thing of the past, because making people perpetually look like they're auditioning for a 90s sitcom is apparently not a sustainable business model. They still offer "fashion" shots because vast swaths of this country will never not be trashy, but the magic is gone. Instead, they've diversified their portfolio to offer "pregnancy photos" (gross!), engagement photos (double trashy!), and even pet portraits for the truly insufferable. They also offer "business portraits" for the kind of person who wants to tell the world "I use LinkedIn, but I secretly think I'm too edgy for it."
But by far my favorites are their "Boudoir & Pin Up portraits," their "sexy" photos for women who don't understand that all their boyfriends and husbands want is to see them naked, not see them spend $200 on pictures of them not-naked. But hey, maybe you're all about taking sexy photos of yourself to... empower yourself, or something, which is great! Maybe that explains some of the weirder ones of the bunch...
So ladies, if you're looking to have a professional photoshoot featuring you holding tiny dogs over your boobs or whatever the fuck, the new Glamour Shots has you covered. The rest of us will remember a different time, a simpler time, when all it took for a woman to look sexy was some soft lighting and a set of press-on nails.
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