August 26, 2015
Summer is drawing to a close, which means it’s time to trade in hookah pens for mechanical pencils, and bikini tops for actual clothing. Whether you’re a fledgling Betch still in high school or a senior in college, this is a bittersweet time of year. Obviously summer is amazing, but getting back to real life has its advantages too. No matter what, going back to school like a Betch is all about reminding everyone that you are better than them.
One of the best/worst things about summer is not talking to people from school. Obviously you’re still attached at the hip to the girls/gays in your main group text. but there are probably a lot of randos that you haven’t thought about since May. Your main objective in the next few weeks is to make all of these randos incredibly excited to see you. That way you will be able to spend immense amounts of time talking about yourself, and you won’t have to act interested in what Alyssa Whatshername was doing in Seattle all summer because she’ll be so eager to hear all about how life changing Birthright was. Soon your story will start to spread, and everyone will be asking you about it before you even have to remember their names.
Another important thing to remember is that it’s okay to make shit up. If you had a boring summer at the lake, or if your internship literally only let you get coffee and make copies, just make up a mildly detailed story about a hot guy you hooked up with. Nicegirls feed on hookup stories, and they will literally be obsessed with yours. If you’re really in need of something interesting, say that he was a French millionaire or something, foreign guys are worth at least five more minutes of gossip.
This is also your last chance to score social media points from your summer adventures. Make sure your profile picture is as likable as possible, and milk your trip abroad for at least one really great TBT. All you’ll have for the next few months are questionably sober pics of you and your main betches, so use your impeccably filtered summer photos while there’s still time. You can break them back out for winter TBTs around November so that people don’t forget your life is perfect.
I hate to say this, but it’s also super important to study and do well in school. Ew. This isn’t at all because your parents want you to get good grades or you need to get into grad school, it’s so people will be jealous of you. People need to wonder how you manage to be good at everything, and this includes school. If you can be out four nights a week and still get As and Bs, people will start to treat you like the goddess you are. Don’t accept anything less, because you’re fucking worth it.