September 24, 2012
Unfortunately for betches everywhere, Bridesmaids let the world in on the longest kept secret in history: girls shit. That scene also shadily tapped in on another thing betches do (no we don't shit in sinks nor do we projectile vomit on each other's heads), we go to the bathroom in groups.
While it might be considered obvious and common knowledge that women go to the bathroom in groups, few who are not members of the betch tribe understand the complexity behind betches and bathrooms. The girl's bathroom is a sanctuary for #1 talking shit about friends, boyfriends, and the weather. However when we go to the bathroom in groups we don't just go to the bathroom in groups, we do it in the
most obnoxious betchiest way possible.
When we go out, usually there's so much scandalous shit happening that we cannot possibly wait another hour to begin talking about it. Did Jen really just show up with an updo? I can't believe Sara thinks that manicure compliments her finger-shape. Did Christina actually think we would let her share our coke? These are consequential matters that if not discussed immediately may be forgotten in the next 10-15. The mere thought of missing an opportunity to talk shit is inconceivable.
Another reason we don't embark on the partnerless piss is that it's simply boring to urinate without a friend. Like what, I'm supposed to sit there and pee without hearing about all the funny things my bestie's new dog has been doing? Sure I can peruse Twitter and Instagram but frankly that's unsanitary and I like just checked 3 minutes ago. Going to the bathroom with a bestie is also a great way to make sure you don't have to #107 branch out. Who do you suppose I talk shit with in the corner with if all my bffs are in the bathroom? No one wants to be left doing small talk with the dud.
Also, are you actually that dense that you think the handicap stall was built for people with physical disabilities? No! If that were true they wouldn't put the toilet paper so far away from the toilet seat. These nicely sized stalls are for betches to comfortably do drugs and do the pee-and-switch with ease. Hold my bag, hold my drink, hold my gum. We're not saying that we can't fit in a normally sized stall, we're saying that it's not chic to squish.
Lastly, going to the bathroom with a friend is the best way to cut a line. She frantically tells everyone that you are about to puke if you don't get to a toilet immediately while you cover your mouth and blow out your cheeks. 65% of the time it works every time.
Side note: As a betch it's important to use as many paper towels/toilet paper as possible because dripping is not cute... And to the girl who uses the dryer and screams "save paper!" any chance she gets, tell her to shut up. You're not killing trees, they're already fucking dead.
So next time you're in the bathroom don't forget to wipe your nose, adjust your tube top, and remember that it's never okay to pee alone. Do so and you're a hop, skip, and a squat away from independence and taking shits in public.