The Best 2014 GRAMMYs Recap You'll Ever Read

By The Betches

Apparently The Grammy Awards seriously did not want anyone under the age of 25 to keep watching past 9:30 / 10pm last night because they did everything in their power to make sure we either tuned out, changed the channel, or fell asleep. Here’s what what we mean:

-They got the best part of the night / the part “the kids” would like (Beyonce and Jay Z) out of the way in the literally the first 3 minutes
- LL Cool J was the host
- LL Cool J repeated/ screamed the upcoming line up at 10 pm as if they were telling us it's ok, change the channel, just do it, you know you want to...  “WE’VE GOT A GREAT LINE UP FOR YOU PEOPLE, CHICAGO, NIRVANA, STEVIE WONDER, WILLIE NELSON AND SOME OTHER GUYS THAT STOPPED BY ON THE WAY TO THEIR DEATH BEDS!!"
- He made dated jokes like “Does anyone know what time it is!? It's Chicago and Robin Thicke time!!! LOLZ”
-Rihanna, Miley Cyrus, Justin Timberlake, Lady Gaga weren’t given seats.
- The Beatles weren’t embarrassed to show up

But really, half way through the show I felt like I was crashing the high school reunion of a musically inclined class of ’55. It was so incredibly mind numbing I couldn’t believe I had to cancel recording Downtown Abbey for this shit, and that show’s idea of excitement is gasping at someone really poor every 10 minutes.

Best-ish Dressed:

Since no one was even at the Grammys there’s barely any fashion on which to comment


Songstress Giuliana Rancic

Taylor Swift MEH but like, really nice dress


The Show

Here are my notes during the Beyonce and Jay Z performance...I also found myself creepily smiling as he was grabbing her ass nbd:

I like can’t handle this
this is everything ever that has ever happened ever

I have never been happier in my entire life

Was Lorde in the cerebral palsy phase of her quaaludes?

LL Cool J was MCing like he was at a camp talent show he was screaming random shit like  "DEF JAM FOREVAAAA”


Shit that Pharrell was probably hiding under his Dudley Do-Right hat:

-a sequence of smaller Dudley Do-Right hats

-a pound of weed

-a white girl taser gun with Taylor Swift's name engraved

This social media reporter thing is too weird. Isn't the whole point of social media that it eliminates the need for a reporter?

Sara Bareilles looks exactly like the secretary from Brooklyn 99

Katy Perry’s performance was like, I really don’t know. Seeing as the average age of the Grammys was 78, it was out of place and she looked like she was about to go trick or treating immediately after.

Meanwhile Pink hung from the fucking ceiling

...What Jay Z really wanted to say was "Look Daddy has a new gold potty for you!"

Can't Daft Punk take their goddamn hats off, what do they do at church? 

Macklemore killed it but like I can't imagine any of these people be like "my dream is to have Queen Latifah ordain my wedding!"

Oh shit I bet ABC is pissed they only had one wedding tonight, CBS had 33

There was something seriously wrong with Madonna during her performance. She looked like she just had botox back stage or like, really had to shit but clearly couldn’t because she was dressed in all white and you know, was on stage.


Taylor Swift needs her own category because she is a ridiculous human being...Bitch kept making weird faces at the camera, banging her head during her own song (which was quite good, actually) that required no head banging, and danced like Pheobe Buffay runs in Central Park.

The guy on her right though...


We'll leave you off with this... Happy Monday!




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