March 4, 2015
'Groom Academy' relies on one premise: That the man you plan to marry is a hopeless, unmanageable savage.
Ladies - are you soon to be wed, but worried that the cave-person you’re engaged to is without basic life skills, like feeding himself and ironing? If so, you’re in luck: The Worcester Whitehouse Hotel in Worcester, England offers a package called Groom Academy, which promises to teach him how to do things like make cocktails for you, cook dinner for you, and make the bed properly so you don’t yell at him.
“... we also recognise that there are lots of other factors that help make a happy marriage last. That’s why we’ve launched our exclusive academy to groom men to become perfect husbands who know how to keep the romance alive.”
Perfect husbands! The package, which costs $300 for the two of you (you’re invited on his path to enlightenment as well), includes housekeeping lessons from a professional housekeeper, cooking lessons from the hotel chef, and booze classes from either a sommelier or mixologist. After a long day of refinement, the two of you reconvene to enjoy a three-course dinner before retiring to your pristinely made bed. What you, the bride, are expected to be doing during this time is unclear. Girl stuff, probably, not manly stuff like laundry.
Also, fear not: If your numbskull husband can’t remember your anniversary, the hotel will text him every year to remind him.
Here’s another way to look at it: The average age of first marriage in the U.S. is 27 for women and 29 for men. If you’ve decided to marry a man, who, by the age of 29 has not yet learned how to fucking cook food and tidy up a bedroom, maybe rethink every decision that led you to this point.
If, instead, you think that a $300 crash course in domesticity is going to somehow save your nuptials, your marriage was doomed from the start.
Thus ends your reminder that home economics was actually a pretty good thing to teach in schools.