The Betches' Guide To Hangover Workouts

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

A betch spends approximately 60% of her life hungover. Betches also need to stay skinny which is hard to do because no one wants to go to the gym when they’re trying to keep last night’s drunk pizza binge down. Lucky for you I’ve come up with a list of the best workouts to do while hungover. These are based on my personal experiences, not backed by science. If you’re looking for something official sounding you can go buy Self magazine or Google it.

First things first, I'm the realest...and also if you’re thinking of hitting the gym, drink a bottle of water. Then, take a nap. If you wake up and you’re still gung-ho on burning those marg calories, do these workouts.

1. Jogging

With a soft j. I have often been known to go on an easy yog after a night of blackout debauchery. Sometimes, the physical exertion distracts me from the queasy feeling in my stomach. Sometimes, it amplifies it. You never really know with a hangover, which makes it extra interesting. Keeps me on my toes, literally and figuratively.

2. Walking

If jogging is too much, just go on a walk. You spent the night dancing on tables in sky-high stilettos, I know you can handle a casual stroll around the block. Bring your phone so you can keep up with the exploding group text. Better yet, bring a friend to recount your shenanigans.

3. Crunches

I meannnn, you get to lie on the ground so sign me up. Crunches really don’t take a lot of effort which is right up a betch’s alley but you’ll still get (minimal) results so it’s better than sitting on your couch and ordering Seamless.

4. Free weights

I’m talking like a 5 pound weight or so (I have mashed potatoes for muscles, I’m working on it, sue me) and go to town. Not a whole ton of movement, so you won’t get the spins, and again: better than re-watching all of SATC.

5. Elliptical

Hop on the elliptical but maybe take the resistance down a few notches than you’re used to in order to prevent death by exhaustion. You’ll probably be sweating more than usual but you’re basically sweating out the vodka from last night. Protip: Don’t lick your skin afterwards.

After you’re done, drink another bottle of water, take another nap, and order Seamless while you binge watch SATC. You earned it, betch!




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