May 22, 2014
This weekend marks one of those holidays that's totally not on your radar until you suddenly remember you have plans for it. Happy Memorial Day, betches! Wait, that’s this weekend? Yes, yes it is.
Memorial Day is kind of like 4th of July, just with less fireworks/ fun. It also isn’t so much a day as it is an entire fucking weekend. I mean, people always say “Memorial Day Weekend” instead of just “Memorial Day” because actual Memorial Day always falls on a Monday and those just generally suck.
Besides giving us an excellent excuse to day drink (as if we really needed one), Memorial Day also marks the start of bathing suit season. Like, what better place than a Memorial Day picnic to show off that you stayed bikini ready throughout the entire polar vortex? Turns out complaining (about the weather, obvs) really does burn calories. We’re living proof.
This brings me to my next point: your Memorial Day Weekend plans should definitely consist of some kind of BBQ /boat trip/mini vacay at somebody’s summer house…whatever, just something summery and outdoors. For the most part, Memorial Day is actually pretty chill. I mean, there’s also like a parade and stuff, but you’re definitely not going to wake up early enough to attend it.
In all seriousness, Memorial Day is when we thank all the men and women who fought to keep America the beautiful, ruthless betch that she is today. I mean, in this country we have FroYo, Diet Coke with ice, AND functioning electrical outlets (sorry, Europe. You just don’t make the cut). This is why we thank the brave Americans who have proudly said “Not up in here!” to those who threatened to take that lifestyle away from us.
So drink up, betches, and make sure you take this opportunity for a chance to perfect your summer tan. No one wants to be the palest betch at the Memorial Day BBQ.