February 13, 2014
The Polar Vortex might be the biggest betch we've ever encountered, now that she's shut down basically half of the country without even trying. She kept betches-in-training out of school, working betches out of the office, and gave college betches an excuse to study get plastered for days on end off of moonshine and whatever the hell else people drink down there. Talk about having a contempt for #36 work.
Also known as, That Time Atlanta Looked Like An Episode From The Walking Dead.
In case you somehow missed it, here’s a detailed and scientific account of what happened: Up north it snows 12 feet and we’ll still have to walk to work 15 miles uphill in the snow both ways. Not in the south. All it takes for them is a casual sprinkle of like two inches for Mother Nature to make millions of people her bitch. Call it “The War of Northern Aggression” all you want, at least I haven’t totaled my Lexus because of a thin layer of slush. No hard feelings to the Bible Belt, but it's definitely ironic that they're the ones living through a "biblical storm" like every other day. Do you believe in global warming yet!?
So how does a betch deal with this bullshit? She will obviously stay inside while #80 bitching about the weather for effect. In truth we secretly love being #163 cold and having an excuse to do nothing but drink wine in our warm apartments as we watch the weathermen tremble in fake fear over the "historic" storm (so historic that we've had like five so far this winter), while secretly jizzing their pants at the amount of time they get to be on TV this winter. There's a 30% chance that it's already snowing!
We're sure it actually really sucks for people who were like, stuck in their cars for 10 hours or forced to sleep at a CVS. Maybe a city or two will be able to get their shit together before the next big storm arrives, which according to the weather channel will be like, tomorrow. Apparently if the polar vortex doesn’t have a Valentine, it’s making sure no one does.