March 4, 2015
Back when we covered traditional penis-in-ass anal sex, we thought we’d seen it all. That is, until Nicki (and others) started rapping about getting her ass eaten like Lena Dunham devours cupcakes (which isn’t actually that inventive of a simile considering her line in Only, but whatevs), and rim jobs were officially on our radar. Then, the rim job/Girls connection made the jump from figurative to literal when Alison Williams got her ass eaten and we were like, “Sigh, okay, I guess people are really doing this now so we can’t just ignore it and hope it goes away.”
When it comes to eating ass, betches fall in one of two camps: No fucking way that’s literally the most vile thing imaginable, what the actual fuck OR I’m open to the idea/have tried it, don't knock it. Like seriously, is anyone out there like, “Nah, I don’t really feel any type of way about someone eating where I shit”?
Before we proceed, first let me say that the purpose of this article is not to try to convince you one way or another whether or not to do it. Yeah, the idea is pretty fucking disgusting if you think about it, but so are a lot of things, like (oh, I don’t know) putting a dick in your mouth. I’m not here to tell you what to do with your butthole. But if you’re going to do something, you’d better fucking do it right. So I guess it’s time to get down and dirty and just jump right into it.
First, let’s talk terminology. It’s technically a personal choice what you call it, but “tossing salad” should not be in your vocab. Like honestly who even says that, it sounds like a euphemism you’d use if you’re too prude to call a blow job a blow job so you call it “playing the skin flute” or something equally embarrassing. “Rimming” is okay. Don’t call it “analingus” unless you’re a ninth grade health teacher.
Now, some basic guidelines. If you’re the type of squeamish person who doesn't think the Pope poops, you might just want to stop reading now, just FYI.
Save it for the right person. Much like anal, you should wait to broach the subject until you’re dating someone or at least until you have a steady hookup you’ve interacted with during daylight hours. If you pick any old SAB you might be the victim of bad salad jokes until the day you die.
Prep your bowels. If you really want to be as sanitary as possible, it’s going to take days of planning. Simply put: don’t eat anything that’s going to wreak havoc on your bowels. So like, stay the fuck away from Chipotle if you know you’re going to see your bf in a few days. Also, try not to be hungover. I’m just saying!!
Wipe it down. If your guy makes his way down there, you do NOT want any stragglers. It would be like a fucking horror movie. Ahhhhhhh!
Get fresh and so clean clean. Again, when you shower beforehand, pay your behind extra-special attention. Clean that shit with soap and water (I meant your butt, not actual shit, I can see how that might have been confusing but that was not intentional). You might want to invest in baby wipes for a last-minute touch-up. But before you do that, you should probably Google “is it safe to ingest the chemicals in baby wipes?”.
Consider some hair care. Probably your best bet is to just ask the foreign lady who does your bikini wax to throw in a little extra work. I’m not sure what ass razor burn (or got forbid, a cut) feels like, but I can’t imagine it would be pleasant.
Don’t go back to front. As in, don’t let your guy eat you out right afterwards unless he like, gargles with a cup of bleach or something with equally powerful disinfectant properties. Otherwise, that’s a vaginal infection waiting to happen. Gross gross gross gross.
No matter if you like it and do it all the time or you try it once and never again, under no circumstances should you rim and tell. You’re not Nicki Minaj, nobody wants to hear that shit. The pun was intended that time.