The Betches Guide to Plastic Surgery Excuses

By Dom Betchignon

The only thing rising faster than the number of betches getting plastic surgery today is the number of ways they’re using to excuse or deny it. Kim Kardashian has blamed her newly large lips on both the flu as well as her pregnancy. Even Sarah Palin’s daughter Bristol has had work done but she swears it was for health reasons, not cosmetic. Didn’t she also swear to not have sex until she was married? Oops. Should I leave a note?

These are our three favorite excuses that are timeless (unlike the botox in your cheeks).

1. “Blossoming”

This is a new one said by Kylie Jenner when she was pestered about her obvious new lips /new face. She claims that she “just blossomed”. This excuse is somewhat valid seeing as she is only 16 years old and her face will be changing a little more over the next couple years but like, come on Kylie, teach us how to “blossom” like you…

Maybe if we do as many duck face selfies as she does we too will wake up one day with lips that just permanently stick out farther...a betch can dream.

2. Change your name

This is another new excuse used by the famous Lizzy Grant aka Lana Del Rey. Her plastic surgery is even more undeniable than Kylie Jenner but she thought the name change would help mask her old nose, lips, cheek bones, hair color, and awful style.

Maybe if we change our name to a hipster chic one that sounds like a city south of LA and pretend to be sad in the summertime we too will have a before and after like her.

3. Have a deviated septum

This one is an oldie but a goodie. The deviated septum epidemic is growing faster than the gluten intolerance (trying to excuse anorexia) epidemic.

This is the most popular excuse for betches trying to get a new nose. Those who are really committed may actually attempt to break their nose, like a skiing accident in Aspen or something but a true betch will just claim deviated septum and voila…

Here are five betches who claimed they had breathing problems that were somehow fixed by smaller noses…

1.     Blake Lively

2.     Jennifer Aniston

3.     Cameron Diaz

4.     Ashley Tisdale

5.     Zac Efron




Powered by Disqus




Forgot Your Password?

Create new account

User login