October 9, 2014
So along with pumpkin spice lattes and beanies, fall season also brings back Football. This may seem irrelevant to the average betch but for those of you attending big schools this means it's the most magical times of the year, TAILGATING SEASON. Every Saturday morning you set your alarm for 7AM so you can have at least two hours to get ready. Even though by 5:00PM you’ll look like an absolute shit storm, you need to look your best for the better part of the day.
Girls who say “it’s 9AM I can’t drink yet” aren’t true betches. If you are a real betch, anytime of the day can be shot o’clock.
You must have a new outfit for every tailgate. And no this does not mean 20 shirts with your school logo on it in different colors. Be innovative. Make dresses out of shirts you’ve received as a parting gift from frat houses on your walk of shame home. Go with a plain outfit and accessorize in your school colors or a cute temporary tattoo on your cheek, perfect for a tailgating selfie as well.
There is also absolutely no way you can skip breakfast before a tailgate. I know betches aren’t supposed to eat but like, you will literally go to the hospital if you don’t and no one wants to be that girl. At least not too many times.
If you plan to rally for the party after the game (obviously no one who matters actually attends the game) then you must choose your route carefully.
These are the three options for a betchy rally:
This one can be dangerous. You must remember to chug a large glass of water before falling asleep with your shoes on or you will wake up SO hungover. You must also set an alarm on your phone. If you don’t you’ll miss the bars post game and wake up in the morning with FOMO that will be more excruciating than your headache.
This is for the, hate to say it, but weak betches. You haven’t partied enough to fall asleep and aren’t to the level of those who can keep going out. You have chosen a hot dog and it is something you must live with for the next week when you can only eat celery every day. However, every betch has been in this spot before so don’t feel the shame of Mulan on you and your family just yet.
This is only for a true betch and maybe lowkey alcoholic. It is territory that one cannot jump into without the proper training. You must first evaluate how drunk you are after the tailgating and if another drink will take you to a fun level or lead to you waking up with an IV in your arm. Enter the nearest bathroom and stare yourself down in the mirror. Evaluate your appearance (if you can even still be seen in public) and then look into your alcohol drenched soul. I always look at myself how Nicholas Cage dramatically looks at a map in every single one of his shitty movies, with fear yet determination. And then I’m ready to go do a keg stand before hitting up the bar.