August 11, 2014
Cute or hot? Marry or fuck? All of these words are far too vague to properly convey something betches need to be aware of at all times: the attractiveness of our peers. One solution is the traditional 1-10 scale, a highly efficient unit of measurement for both betches and bros alike when used correctly. The following definitions should help clarify any confusion:
Ones are very hard to come by (TG), but you’ll know right away when you see one. While still technically qualifiable as human, they’re the product of a SERIOUS genetic misfire and sometimes it genuinely hurts to look at them. Literally no aspect of their face is working in their favor. That being said, you shouldn’t totally shun ones. They live an alternative (albeit involuntary) lifestyle of abstinence, which means they’ve probably adopted some interesting skills and hopefully a sense of humor.
Being a two openly sucks. They’re heinous and there’s just literally no way around it. A two isn’t deformed per se like a one generally is, but they still provoke an immediate flight response in the opposite gender. For twos, trying to get laid is like a really long, sad sequel of Mission Impossible.
At this level, we can start to identify certain physical flaws that are mostly at fault for killing the person’s game. “If only we could chisel those teeth down, get the sideburns under control, push her eyes closer together and restructure her chin from scratch…we’d have a solid 6 on our hands!” you think optimistically. Actually, you might be surprised by how many people you know that have accidentally hooked up with a three while blackout. This is a fate that we as betches want to avoid. Getting with a three is like eating a Chobani a couple days past the expiration date. Will it kill you? No. But it’s not really good for you either.
Ugh, swipe left. Fours are the most annoying level of attractiveness because they are the ultimate try-hards. They’re OK looking but have selective blindness and usually think they’re somewhere in the 6-8 range. Fours are always coloring their hair and trying out new bold (read: stupid) outfit choices because they get high off compliments and are convinced that one of these days, they’re going to find their perfect “look.” But it’s like, just accept it, you’re a 4. Things could be worse.
Congrats, you’re average. Most people fall into this category, which is why most people are incredibly forgettable. Fives are boring and I don’t really feel like talking about them anymore.
Sixes are like shadily good looking and can easily be confused with fives if you’re not paying attention. A good example of a six is someone you’re used to only seeing briefly and then you have a class with them and stare at them longer, at which point you’re like hmm are you hotter than I thought you were? Then you confer with your friends who, after grilling his FB page, are all like, “WAIT YA, he IS kind of hot!” And thus, a six is born.
It’s always great to be part of a friend group that consists of mostly sevens. Sevens are pretty or cute on a day-to-day basis and can be really hot when it counts. It’s also possible that they were lower on the scale at some point in time, thus giving them ample time to develop a personality before society informed them they didn’t have to.
Eights are the ideal level of attractiveness to date. They’re extremely good looking to the point where people will see pictures of you and that person and be like “Dayummm, nice work,” but not SO attractive that they get sexually assaulted in Whole Foods as often as a normal person does at a bar. Those types of people fall in the 9-10 range.
If you’re a nine, this means that you’re a total fucking smoke show, so be prepared to be the envy of basically everyone. Nines can have their choice of friends, boyfriends, fuck buddies, you name it. The only thing they lack is that extra sparkle that defines the most beautiful people you will ever see:
HOLY FUCKING SHIT. It is almost uncomfortable how arousing it is to be in the presence of a ten. Like ones, tens are hard to come by but not hard to spot—they’ll stop you dead in your tracks. What’s the view like from up there in heaven? you wonder as they walk by. Ten is a sacred fucking number and if you call someone a ten who is clearly a 7.5 on a good day, I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
So, there you go. If you don’t like the system, you can go back to commenting the word “STUNNING!!!” on every other online social media photo you see. But fuck fake friends, am I right?