April 13, 2015
They said it was going to be hard. They said that it was going to suck. They said it was going to actually make you miss learning a semester’s worth of finance during one long night of Adderall popping in the lib. But no one told you it was going to be this traumatizing.
The entry-level job search is probably the most stressful thing a betch has ever dealt with. For starters, you don’t even know WTF you want to do, you just majored in Comm because your sorority sister told you it was easy. Plus, you’re not even sure which city you want to move to, like how are you supposed to apply for jobs if you don’t even have a bestie committing to moving with you? Not to mention you have no idea how to make an excel spreadsheet…. But rest assured betches, it’s all going to be okay. And if it’s not, mom and dad are always just a tearful wire transfer away.
Before you can start applying for positions, you need to rid yourself of all evidence that you just had the most fun four years of your life. Google yourself to find out what’s out there, cry a little, and then change your Instagram and Twitter to private and try your best to close your Facebook up like Fort Knox. Likely, even hiding your tagged photos isn’t going to help and you’re going to realize that you need to change your Facebook name to “Molly Weiners.” Worth it. On the other hand, it’s time to buff up your LinkedIn by finally adding your three bullshit internships and blocking all the random mid-tier loan specialists who connected with you freshman year.
There is no better way to spot college seniors then at the bar at 4 in the afternoon sulking over a pitcher. When happy hour chats change from pregame plans to resume questions, you know you’re in a dark place. Actually just applying for jobs is overwhelming and impossible to handle, so instead betches in their final semester pace around like a hungry model all day instead of actually researching job openings. Then, when they go out to get things off their mind, they revert back to freshmrn and end the night by telling their bestie: “no bullshit I actually need you to hold my hair back.”
Although the online application might only be a page and a couple of attachments, expect yourself to labor over the details of the first one you send in to the point of actual OCD. Then, after a few of those bad boys you’ll realize no one is actually going to ever open it anyway and you’ll start sending them in without so much as a spellcheck. Oops.
Reverting back to what you should’ve done all along, it’s helpful to just shoot your Dad a text and be like “Yo, can you ask your friends if any of their companies will hire me?” Next minute you’ll have five interviews in the next two weeks, and halfway in between explaining their mission station and their 401K benefit package you’ll realize the last thing you want is a job anyway.
….One way ticket to Europe, anyone?