Dear Head Pro,
My best friend is in love with me.
We spend all of our time together: I change in front of him (he even clipped on my garter belt once), he spends the night almost 4x weekly, he does my errands, and tells me how beautiful I am daily. I thought he was my gay best friend, up until his 4 hour love confession. He thinks that I'm his dream girl—his soulmate.
He checks all of my "boxes" for a perfect fella. He comes from a good family, dresses well, he thinks that my bitchy comments and bad attitude are funny, and he does everything for me—including fetch my morning coffee from the Starbucks two blocks away. My problem? He's not hot. Im not attracted to him psychically, like, at all.
How do I keep my best friend, as just my best friend? Or, how do I blindly fall for a man who adores me?
If I lost him, I honestly don't know how I could move on with my life. Mostly because, he bought my mother a birthday gift and signed the card with my name, because he knew that I forgot.
The Betch Who Doesn't Want To Fuck The Help
I am seldom without words or a way to approach things, but this is so fucking ridiculous I really wanna be a hater and say it's fake. Because this sounds so satirized that it could be the plot of a movie, and not a good one, like Eurotrip. I mean a shitty one like What's Your Number?
Ignoring the improbability of people like either of you existing in real life, you only really asked one question (I don't understand the second one and I won't respond to it): How do you keep him as just a friend?
Which, for starters, is fucking dumb. Astronauts from space could see that this guy was into you, and really makes me doubt that you're smart enough to live in a place that has "blocks" instead of "trails" or "hollers." Tell me, do you do any of the shit he does for any of your friends, and do any of your friends do those things for you?
I suppose I could cut you some slack for thinking he's gay since he sees you naked all the time and sleeps over without ever once making a move, but hopefully this teaches you a valuable lesson: don't confuse sexuality for the unfathomably low depths a desperate guy will reach in the wishful thinking of his halfhearted pursuit.
I really don't know what to tell you here, because people haven't been this confused about the nature of a relationship since the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire. You can't go "back" to being "just friends," because you clearly never were. You can (and hopefully have) told him that you don't like him in that way, but a guy this delusional will only see that as a challenge, not a defeat.
I think you're going to have to accept the fact that you'll have to get your own fucking coffee from now on.