July 5, 2011
It goes without saying that betches are really popular. If at any time a betch wants to do something, there’s never a shortage of people who she can call…even if she has to resort to the #48 Dud. But our favorite types of friends are the ones who have the one thing that a betch doesn’t. A penis. They are our fellow partiers, the yin to our yang, our guy friends.
Why do betches love guy friends? Because having guy friends makes us appear chill, like we can actively engage in non-betchy conversation even though we actually have no fucking idea what’s going on. Oh, we’re just going over to Jesse’s to watch the lax game! We always root for Cuse!
Our guy friends are great. They make for perfect guests to complete our #23 pregames, they bring beer to wherever we are, and they're the ones who told you that one fact about sports that you’ve recycled in every conversation with any other guy ever since. Fuck Lebron, what a sellout.
A sellout to which team? No fucking idea.
But really, saying that we have guy friends is kind of like that guy you pretend you didn’t have sex with. It was just the tip! It’s a blurry line. Maybe there’s a small amount of truth to it, but honestly, having guy friends is one of those things we aspire to that just won't ever happen.
Here’s why betches can’t have guy friends:
If you’re a true betch, no guy would actually want to hear any of the shit you talk about, and vice versa. Betches and bros don’t realistically have that much in common. Do bros want to sit around listening to you #1 talk shit and reiterate the benefits of Diet Coke all day? Not really, but let’s face it, that would be your only topic of choice if you had your way. You’re not being yourself in front of your guy friends, and that’s why they’re not really your friends.
If you’re willing to stake your claim that you have a true guy friend, he is undoubtedly a homosexual.
We’re not talking about your acquaintances who you say hey to and make small talk with when you’re out at night. We’re talking about the guys who you'd hang out with in a small group or alone, maybe even when you're sober, to whom you’d bitch about real intimate shit.
If after reading this, you still think you have a guy friend, we present to you the end-all reason why you don't. How do we know for sure? Because no guy will want to be your friend when he can fuck you.
Being a betch means that we have an amazing personality and are extremely good-looking. Therefore, there’s no way that we could possibly encounter a straight male who didn’t inevitably want to have sex with us. It’s that simple, betches. If your boyfriend claims to be friends with this really hot girl who he says is really great, there’s no way he’s not fucking her, or at least really fucking wants to. Guy friends are for lesbians and funny fat girls.
You may think you have a guy friend and you’re not attracted to him, but that doesn’t matter because he’s inevitably so attracted to you that the friendship is fucked anyway. Classic examples include Monica and Chandler and every other straight and single (or not) television and movie couple to ever exist that claimed to be “friends.” Bull. Shit. There are no exceptions to this rule. We dare you to come up with one, real or fictional.
The illusion of having guy friends is kind of like believing in Santa Claus. You don’t object to the idea of it, and maybe there was a time that you believed it, but you know in your heart that it doesn’t exist. But having this realization about guy friends doesn’t mean that we’re ready to get rid of them anytime soon. Like that time we got a nose job, it might not be real, but it makes us look better. So keep these imaginary guy friends, but be prepared for that inevitable moment when you’ll either have to make him cry or blow your rape whistle. Or even worse, succumb to the pity fuck.