March 5, 2014
Every time a betch tells you her job is “sooo fulfilling” she’s probably lying. Betches hate having jobs. Work makes us get up early. It forces us to be productive. It is a thief of joy.
However, if there’s anything we appreciate about work, it’s that the office provides you with a whole new group of people to talk shit about. In the spirit of talking shit, here are a few bros a betch will meet in the work place.
He’s the only person in the office whose glazed-over look isn’t caused by boredom. At first, you thought the extra time it took him to answer questions made him stupid, but then it hit you: this bro is always stoned. Every time some nice girl brings in cookies for everyone, this bro will stand there munching on them for an uncomfortably long time. You think he’d get fired if it weren’t for the fact that he’s so entertaining, and if he didn’t occasionally out perform everyone else in the office.
You will spot this bro swinging an invisible golf club as he talks on the phone, or like, referring to the company Christmas party as a “networking opportunity.” You also just know he walks in everyday thinking, “Someday, I will run this shit.”
The thing is, this bro probably would move up in the company if he put as much time into actually doing work as he does into trying to seem important. For example, his job title on LinkedIn probably says something like “Marketing Professional. Experienced Sales Executive. Entrepreneur.” His actual job title: Accounts Assistant.
He’s the guy responsible for every email titled “Join us for happy hour!” or “Join the company softball league!” He LOVES his job and isn’t afraid to show it. He also, for whatever reason, finds hanging out with co-workers fun. He probably doesn’t have a life outside of the office or, like, any friends. Who else willingly does work related activities after 5PM?
You will probably spot this bro making copies or like, data entry on excel. He’s chill, but mainly you like having him around because his job makes yours seem way less shitty by comparison.
He has no idea what the fuck he’s doing. If you’re bored, ask him a really technical question about the company and watch his response.
Hands down a betch’s favorite person in the office. He’s the only one that appreciates your fashion choices or knows how much you paid for that pair of basic black flats. Above all, his commentary on other co-workers is fucking priceless and it’s his notes in the break room like “Fat bitches need to stop stealing my lunch” that get you through your day.
There you have it, betches. Now stop procrastinating and look busy. The over-eager bro will probs be asking you to fill out a fill out a March Madness bracket any minute now.