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PSA: Read These 100% Real Reviews Before You Book Gwyneth Paltrow's Airbnb

The latest Goop Scoop: Gwyneth Paltrow is renting out her coveted and truly stunning Montecito guest house to the masses via Airbnb because apparently, “loneliness is the human condition.” Included in the stay? Access to her drop- dead gorgeous casita (larger than my entire apartment, but go off, Goopie), a palatial pool, and a hang sesh with Gwyneth and hubby Brad. She also claims a meal is involved but is the woman who openly hooks herself up to an IV and has single handedly led the charge against solid food to be trusted? It remains to be seen. 

So before you book, check out these very real reviews that were absolutely pulled from her actual listing.

Taby

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

August 2023

Absolutely stunning, Gwyneth has excellent taste. The bedding alone was worth the stay! Gywneth is also so thoughtful and took it upon herself to curate a “Clean Eats” welcome basket full of delicious, whole foods for when we arrived! We were starving so it was such a lovely treat. Inside was a Ball glass of fresh, organic, homemade green juice (yummy!!!), a DNA recovery bar infused with my own blood (I sent a sample before our stay), plus one singular almond! So thoughtful. Can’t wait to come back!

Response from Gwyneth:

Taby, thank you so much for opening your heart chakra to me. Check your luggage – I might’ve snuck the Goop Viva La Vulva vibe in there 😉 as an extra special thank you! 


Troy

⭐⭐

August 2023

While this property is beautiful, I was pretty confused about the lack of amenities? For example, there was no fridge in the guest house. Kinda weird. Also there was no air conditioning and it was 99 degrees that weekend. When I asked Gwyneth about the A/C she said, “We need to get back to a practice of letting our bodies act as a natural air conditioning system through sweat and detox… now just relax… inhale… and ascend!” Then she levitated into the air and disappeared???

Response from Gwyneth:

Troy, reminder of what I said during our breath-work practice: Negativity is just our inner child screaming out for attention. You should follow up with my horse therapy instructor! I’ll forward his number. 


Jenna

August 2023

Ummmm, where to begin. Seems crazy to give Goop’s house 2 stars but this was completely traumatizing. I had heard there was no fridge, in my case there was, but it had a combo lock on it?! When Gwyneth greeted me, she was super friendly, but insisted on a trip to Erewhon instead of letting me take a nap. After making me spend $653 on basically organic, whole food laxatives, I was forced to complete a six mile hike around her property?! The cherry on top of this new age nightmare was a three hour “Somatic Pussy” workshop where we simulated being born again and Gwyneth “delivered” me. Writing this review from the parking lot of Popeyes. 

Response from Gwyneth:

Remember Jenna, food is fuel. Food is nourishment. It shouldn’t be punishment. 


Malia

⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐

August 2023

HIGHLY recommended Gwyneth’s stay as a jump start into your wellness journey. From the fresh homemade placenta cookies upon arrival, to the Howl-At-the-Moon Coyote Trauma therapy session, it was an incredibly restorative and rejuvenative weekend. Namaste. 

Response from Gwyneth

I thank you for your love and divine spirit, Malia. As Buddha once said, “She who knows life  flows, feels no wear or tear, needs no mending or repair.”


Madeline

August 2023

Literally triggered just writing this review but oh my god this woman is insane and dangerous. While I was excited that Gwyneth and her husband Brad joined me for dinner, there was no “dinner.” Instead we got progressively drunker on rare wine, which, great, but then Gwyneth and Brad started making out while I just sat there, hungry. Eventually, I drunkenly stumbled up the hill to her house to find something, a cracker even, only to discover her daughter Apple performing a hazing ceremony on the tweens of Harvard-Westlake. I ran out, twisted my ankle, and FELL down the hills of Montecito and had to be airlifted to Santa Barbara Medical. Sending you my bill, GOOP!

Response from Gwyneth:

Isn’t Brad just the best, Madeline?

 

Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale
Eva Morreale is a Jersey girl based in Los Angeles. She has an encyclopedia-like knowledge of Sex and the City, the Real Housewives franchise, and always carries Tums. You can follow her whereabouts on IG @evapants or subscribe to her newsletter Fries for the Table (friesforthetable.substack.com).