May 15, 2014
Yesterday Mark Zuckerberg (inventor of Facebook, ever heard of it?) turned 30 years old, making him a grandpa in Palo Alto years. Which is ironic, because that's who it seems comprises the population of Facebook these days.
So before we really get into it, we have to first apologize for being a day late with this birthday broast. We're not FB friends, so we didn't know it was his bday.
We're choosing to broast Zuck because what betch isn't attracted to a person with the social skills of Siri dressed in an extremely dapper hoodie (I hear 'not-washed-this-month' is the Egyptian cotton of Silicon Valley) and the Adidas slip-ons that you used to wear in the sleepaway camp shower? I mean, the hours of my life that I've given to Mark Zuckerberg, between years of using Facebook and Instagram, is more time than I've spent dating anyone. Also, the amount of time I've spent stalking and backstalking myself and others, and the embarrassing photos of me on Spring Break in 2009 that I am never really sure are totally hidden, have improved my life in exactly zero ways. But it's not like I'm going to ever get rid of these things. So basically Mark Zuckerberg is my all-time biggest WGA.
Mark Zuckerberg, so hot right now, Mark Zuckerberg.
Once you come to the realization that his Jew fro is not as bad as Jesse Eisenberg's in the Social Network, Mark Zuckerberg is actually kind of legit. He's married to a TAB, obviously fulfilling the stereotype that nice Jewish bros love Asian girls. On top of having a fuckload of money, he also has access to every photo album of potential blackmail that your frenemies have made private since high school. Not to mention he has the power to dig up the photo from college that you once put up for like a millisecond before you realized there were drugs in the background, and if that's not a reason to get on someone's good side then I don't know what is.
So happy birthday, Mark Zuckerberg. We really owe a lot to you because if you hadn't invented Facebook we would probably be stuck using some horrible Winklevoss bullshit.