May 28, 2015
Big news: The Harvard Crimson released the results of their annual senior class survey, and the numbers are… exactly what you’d expect from a group of monied nerds attending a school in the frozen tundra of the northeast: 24% of graduating seniors will leave Harvard without ever having sex there. That’s up from 21% last year, proving that Harvard students can improve at anything, even if it’s not having anyone touch their private parts.
59% of those surveyed said that they drank once per week, twice per week or more, which begs the question: What the fuck are Harvard students doing with all their drunk time? Apparently not studying, since 19.5% admitted to having cheated academically.
The survey received responses from 760 people, and not everyone answered every question. Harvard students: Bad at sex, worse at following survey instructions.
Of those that could be bothered to respond to the survey between periods of chastely getting shitfaced, 42%, or 319 barefaced liars, claimed that they had sex before they got to Harvard. I guess that means they checked it off their bucket list? Do they understand that masturbation doesn’t count? 19% of men, the biggest liars in the survey (and possibly the world), claimed they had 10 or more sexual partners while at Harvard. Anecdotal research finds that all 10 of them “totally looked like Jessica Alba, bro.”
The Boston Globe did that quintessentially Boston thing where they try downplay their own shittiness, like how they try to convince you that the hotdogs they serve at Fenway Park are actually food:
“The Harvard Crimson study of the Class of 2015 was not a random sample of the student body. It did get email responses from 760 people — nearly half the senior class,” they wrote.
Yeah, sure, because a broader survey of Harvard students would find that they’re actually having more sex. Whatever you say, Boston Globe guy. Cue a bunch of mewling Harvard grads in the comments saying things like “Actually, Harvard’s in Cambridge, not Boston,” proving my point entirely.
Are these 24% of sexless Harvard grads the same people who will go on to be libertarian- and MRA-leaning tech bros, who think they should be having sex by virtue of having Silicon Valley money (but still aren’t)? That’s up to you. Betches Love This - we aggregate news from other sources, you decide..