June 20, 2012
While any idiot would say that everyone hates public transportation, we’re here to clarify that nobody hates it quite like a betch. No, it's not because we would ever actually need to fucking use it. What are we, poor? For a betch, public transportation provides one of the greatest excuses to blindly #1 talk shit about the great unwashed masses. To recap: Small, unsanitary moving vehicles that operate on their own schedule, are open to anybody with pocket change, and we can’t even tell somebody that they can’t sit with us? Is there a gun to our heads?
Public transportation is executed all wrong. Maybe we could get down with it if there was like, a little more selectivity at the door? If we wanted to experience a random sampling of the local fare, we’d comply with our jury summons. The whole experience is just uncomfortable for betches. Where are the cup holders for our iced coffee? Where are the free water bottles and outlet for my laptop? Why does that family of Mexicans keep staring at us? The subway schedule is like, so rahndom. Being late may be a lifestyle choice that betches make regularly, but we won't allow any fucking poor people's train make it for us.
All this being said, sometimes public transportation is simply unavoidable, like the Hamptons Jitney or the bus to formal. Most betches are not immune from at least one tragic memory of the week their dad cut them off and they had to fly commercial to Europe. Betches who find themselves in situations like these know that, unlike every other person riding the bus with them, this isn’t us. It’s just something we’re doing at the moment that’s completely unreflective of us, like that one time we went to a gay bar or didn’t go out on a Thursday.
Sure, while taking the subway we may have a personal space circumference of like five inches, but we can also take comfort in knowing that we’re at least five degrees of separation from all of these depressing, working people.
Here’s the thing, we understand that public transportation is socially conscious and we’re saving the environment if we commute en masse. Don’t get us wrong, betches love the planet (when it's convenient to), but what kind of future environmental activists would we make if we were murdered in a subway car today? Like, the environment may be dying. But we’re dyyyying.