242. Hating Touchy-Feely People

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Betches are known for being so cold it puts Elsa to shame—and that’s the last time you’ll see me make a Frozen reference. You will probably never see a betch being over-emotional unless she’s wasted, really tired, or PMS-ing. 

So if there’s one thing betches hate when we’re not in one of the three aforementioned scenarios, it’s people who are going OD on displaying their emotions. One way of showing your feelings—and possibly the most offensive to betches everywhere—is by showing your feelings with your hands, aka being really fucking touchy-feely.

I don’t know who didn’t love these people enough during their infancy, but I do know that there is absolutely no reason they need to put their hands on other people so much. The only time a stranger should be touching me is if they are a) a hot guy flirting with me b) shaking my hand and about to offer me a job c) stopping me from accidentally walking into an oncoming bus or d) that’s about it.

Whoever taught these people boundaries clearly did not do a good job and should be sent back to kindergarten. I’m sorry, but if we’re meeting for the first time and you envelop me in a huge hug, it doesn’t make me think you’re super outgoing and friendly, it just makes me think you’re weird. And when every subsequent time you see me after that, you ask how I’m doing and practically give me a back rub, it’s just too much.

Betches never feel the need to touch unsuspecting people because we would much rather use our words or better yet, the subliminal power of #185 dirty looks. And tbh if you feel the need to caress everyone you come into contact with, you’re clearly starved for attention from the opposite sex (or same sex, depending on what you’re into), and that’s a problem betches really can’t empathize with. 

So for the love of God, touchy-feely people, keep your hands to yourself. As the great philosopher Chris Bridges once said, get back, motherfucker, you don’t know me like that.




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