March 21, 2012
"This post is giving me anxiety" - The Betches
If there's anything celebrity meltdowns and The Bachelor have taught us, it's the huge toll that unease can have on a betch. That's right. We're here to talk about the arch nemesis of boredom: anxiety. Like a relentless dud trying to score an invite to your bestie group dinner, anxiety pervades many aspects of our lives.
Many people might be anxious over being alone for the rest of their lives, losing their jobs, or their long family history of Bell's Palsy. Personally, we're more concerned with the finer details of life because it's the little things that count, right? It's like, how can I be expected to do well in school when Essie has released four new colors this month and I'm supposed to decide on just one for my pedicure?
So what kind of things does a betch get anxious about? I mean where do we begin.
Having time to get ready: You've spent your whole day doing things of such little importance that you can't even remember what you did, yet you find yourself at the nail place and suddenly you realize. The bitch is taking too long with your cuticles and if she continues working at the pace she drives a car, there's no way you'll have time to take a nap before you go out! The anxiety ensues.
OMG I still have to do my hair...what am I gonna wear...oh fuck I have to call my mom...shit I was planning on deep-conditioning...guess I'm not gonna have time to get a new iPhone case...
Your manicure chips after you just got it done: Do I go back??
Choosing an outfit: Every betch knows the anxiety over not having anything to wear. MY LIFE IS OVER. Why even go out!? I'm inconsolable! The stress of deciding the perfect ratio of exposed skin-to-fabric that you'll sport later can leave you seconds away from a psychotic meltdown on par with Mel Gibson's loving calls to his girlfriend.
Spending time away from your phone: Not having your phone is like wearing a strait jacket. You just don't know what the fuck to do with yourself. Be it lost, in the red battery zone, or simply in the other room, being without it can induce a panic attack worthy of a hospital visit. While losing your phone sucks, at least you know for sure that it's gone. Even worse is when you're at a bar and desperate enough to ask the bartender if he'll watch your phone while it charges. Promise you'll let me know if someone texts me!!? The 5% blues can lead you to crazy places.
Getting too many phone notifications: Just as not having your phone can leave you walking the tight rope of insanity, receiving too many notifications in a short span can send you over the edge. Do you KNOW how hard it is to be this popular??
Being at work or class when it's nice out: While nice girls get stressed about which color polka dot screams that they went to an Ivy League school, betches get anxiety over the mere attendance of class or work. Like, what betch didn't develop full on empathy for Anne Frank while sitting in her internship office last summer, staring out her window just wanting to #27 tan with her nonworking besties?
TV Shows: Television-induced anxiety can be caused by many things. Whether it's a Chuck and Blair type situation where the timing is just never right, or they put production on hiatus like when they told you The Sopranos wouldn't be on for a year and a half. And tell us your arrhythmia didn't kick in when they told you Revenge wasn't coming back for a whole two weeks right after Mr. Miyagi admitted he's really a woman.
Not getting your period: This one's not that bad, because as stressful as it is to think you might be pregnant, you're put at ease by the possibility that your period is late because you didn't eat that much this week.
While anxiety is a nasty bitch, she keeps us on our toes and teaches us how to handle adult life as a mature, level-headed grownup. While there are several ways to deal with stress, taking deep breaths is for people who are so fat their bodies can support wide lungs. A betch deals with her unease by doing as little work as possible, aka smoking a joint or popping a Xanax. After 2 mg of these bad boys you'll finally be relaxed enough to handle brunch with your mother or a 90 minute plane ride from Florence to Barcelona. You can go fuck yourself, turbulence.
So chill out, relax, and smile betches. Life's not so bad. Sit back, have a drink, and remember that no matter how bad your anxiety is, at least you're handling it better than Jason Russell.