Uh, Hello Kitty is Not A Fucking Cat, Apparently

By Jane Duh

In the most shocking revelation from the cartoon world since we all realized that Winnie the Pooh Bear is not actually a bear made of shit,  the LA Times released an interview with Christine R Yano yesterday who, in addition to revealing herself as some kind of Professional Hello Kitty Fangirl, clarified that according to Sanrio, Hello Kitty is not a cat but, in fact, a little British girl named Kitty White. She went on to say that this "Kitty White" has been in the third grade for the past 40 years, lives outside of London, and has parents named George and Mary. She is also a Scorpio.

Uh….? What. The. Fuck.

Of course Hello Kitty is a fucking cat! Bitch has whiskers! What the fuck, Sanrio? So now you're telling me that my second grade pencil box was not covered in stickers of an adorable Japanese cat like I thought, but instead was marred by the visage of a horrifically deformed 40 year old 3rd grader from outside London? This is some bullshit.

The internet basically exploded after this revelation, and other bloggers such as Jen Chung over at Gothamist have been bringing up some pretty good points. Like, is Melody not a bunny now? Is Keroppi not a frog? IS DEAR DANIEL'S NAME NOT FUCKING DANIEL?

This is all further complicated by the fact that Sanrio also said that Hello Kitty or Kitty White or Whatever the Fuck has HER OWN PET CAT named Charmmy Kitty who---newsflash Sanrio---LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS HELLO KITTY JUST WITHOUT CLOTHES.

So, in conclusion, Japan basically just Pearl Harbored all of our childhoods and the world of Annoying-White-Girls-Who-Pretend-To-Be-Japanese will never be the same.

TG I stopped with the Hello Kitty bullshit back in second grade or else I'd have to gaf about this for more than just a day.




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