August 27, 2013
Dear Head Pro,
I am writing to you because I don't understand the way guys think and your advice is always so right on point. I read your column every week and love your blunt but very true advice for all the problems submitted on this site. I'm hoping you can use some of your incredible insight to help me out. (Thanks)
Backstory: Over the summer, I was at this weekend long party and on one of the nights, this guy who I had met once before (who I wasn't interested in at all) kept begging me for a place to spend the night (the party was far out of town). I decided to be nice and tell him he could stay in my apartment. When we got back after partying, he started kissing me and I stopped him to tell him that I wasn't going to have sex with him. He ignored me and continued to try to kiss me. I got scared he was going to attack me so I went to my room and closed and locked the door. He then spent the next hour knocking on my door and rattling the doorknob trying to get into my room asking to sleep in my room even though I continuously kept tell him him no, until finally I called the cops to take him out of my apartment.
So first question(s): Was I overreacting to this situation or was this guy legitimately a threat? If so, why do guys think it's OK to do stuff like that? Was I 'asking for it' by inviting someone into my apartment even though I have a right to say no if I want? (Holy shit)
When I told some of my (guy) friends, a lot of them either didn't believe me or were completely apathetic about it.
Second question: Is there a reason that (in this case guys) would react like that rather than showing any kind of sympathy?
The one guy friend who had the completely other extreme response is a good guy friend of mine (I swear we're friends even though we both like each other; I don't think guy friends and attraction should be mutually exclusive...) (They kind of are, though). He said he's legit concerned I'll end up getting raped or killed and that I should withdraw from my school and go somewhere else (I'm wondering in retrospect if he was implying I should go to his college with him instead-I'm a transfer student and I was accepted to both my and his colleges and our colleges are fairly close-ish to each other).
So third question(s): Why did he react in such an extreme way? Does he really think that I'm going to get murdered? Or do you think he was trying to subtly convince me to go to his school with him instead (or am I being a completely delusional dater by thinking that)?
Please help me understand how guys think so that I can make sense of my life!
I will never understand bros.
Dear Never Understand Bros,
You don’t have a problem understanding bros. You just have a problem understanding terrible fucking people. Since your email was long, I’ll try to be short, which shouldn’t be hard because this is some simple shit.
1) SOME guys do shit like that because they’re rapey fuckfaces who think an extension of kindness means they’re also entitled to sex. In the future, be careful about letting relative strangers into your home. It’s still not your fault you were assaulted, and you’re never “asking for it,” but better to err on the safe side. Ps fuck that asshole, you were right to report him.
2) Your “friends” are reacting like this because they’re sexist fucking assholes. What they’re doing is called “gaslighting,” which is an age-old tool of control where you provoke someone into having a reaction, and then manipulate them by turning that reaction against them. A simpler example would be if you were to tell a girl she looked fat in something, she get’s (understandably) upset, and then you tell her she’s “acting crazy.” In this case, your “friends” took umbrage with the fact that you had the gall to defend yourself in your own home. Fuck these guys and get some new friends.
3) This is some manipulative, “let me be your hero” bullshit right here. To me, it sounds like he’s not being subtle at all about his wanting you to transfer to his school. Where does he think you go to school now, fucking prison? This is essentially emotional racketeering. He’s trying to fear-monger you into believing you can’t be safe where you are and need his “protection” which, let’s be honest, he’ll probably try to trade as currency for sex. I mean, you already know he’s attracted to you, so how impartial do you think he’s going to be with his (unsolicited) advice? Solution? If you said “fuck this guy and find a new friend,” you may just be catching on.
So yeah, don’t let any of these guys color your perception of what a bro is. Most of us are pretty fucking dope. These guys are not.
Maybe Don’t Use Purple as Your Font Color (unless you are 12),
Dear Head Pro,
So I have a problem. Theres this guy that I was introduced to about 3 years ago. At the time he seemed like a pretty normal guy. I definitely didn't have any romantic feelings for him but I thought he was nice and pretty funny so I didn't have a problem accepting his friend request on facebook. Now, almost immediately after this, he started messaging me. Constantly. It was usually him of funny links to shit on youtube. Anyways, I felt kind of bad for him so I almost always answered him and I guess you could say we spoke back and forth for a while. Eventually he started being really creepy, sending me messages saying he thought i was the prettiest girl he knew, he's jealous of my boyfriend ( at the time) etc. Not to mention, he 'liked' every single thing i posted. So anyways, This is when i stopped answering him and basically ignored him, it was just too much.
Ok so skip to 2 years later. I haven't heard from him until recently when he sent me a message asking if we could hang out. I never answered, even when he sent like 10 messages after this asking why I'm not answering him. Now, normally i wouldn't give a shit and might even just block him altogether but I heard from a mutual friend that he is going through a really bad time, and they heard that he even tried to kill himself. so i feel really bad just ignoring him but i know if i show ANY interest at all, even responding to his messages, he will get super clingy and if i even try to meet up with him he will follow me around like a lost puppy dog after i leave. Swear to god he will literally follow me, he has done it before. So what do i do? if i just continue to ignore him I'm scared he might try to kill himself again. Am i being over dramatic? should i lie and tell him i have an overprotective boyfriend who doesn't let me talk to any guys, even slightly mentally ill, deeply troubled ones?? This may seem petty but every time i get a notification from facebook I'm scared to check it, out of fear that it may be him.
Please help me O Head Pro.
ps, on a side note, are you hot?
Potential Murderer (not really)
Dear Potential Murderer (don’t be so hasty, you never know),
Christ, it’s “simple shit” day here at Ask a Pro. Let’s just get this out of the way: In no universe are you responsible for anyone else’s mental state, particularly someone with whom you’ve had little to no involvement. Not to make light of any potential mental issues this guy may have, but do you feel obligated to reciprocate when, say, a crazy homeless person approaches you on the street? It’s fine if you want to feel bad for them, but under no circumstances is there a protocol dictating that you should indulge them. I mean, I’ve been followed by angry wasps before, and at no point did I stop to consider their feelings on the matter.
If you want to block him altogether, that’s probably the correct move. Odds are, he’s just trying to guilt you into paying attention to him. People do this shit all the time, and I don’t think it’s ever once resulted in the other person “coming around” and falling in love or whatever the fuck. Even if the worst happens and he does take his life, well, that’s some tragic shit but it’s not your fault. No amount of you replying to him on facebook was going to save him, in that case. It sounds like he has friends much closer to him than you, so let them handle shit.
So no, don’t make any excuses about a boyfriend, because you’re really just making excuses for this guy’s psycho behavior, which is (again) not your fucking problem. Remember, there’s no end to the creativity of losers who fail to find relationships through conventional means.
PS - My mom tells me I am very handsome