A Definitive Ranking Of The 'Hey Arnold!' Characters | Betches

A Definitive Ranking Of The 'Hey Arnold!' Characters

By Jane Duh

For this week’s #TBT, we’re diving back into one of the most beloved of all the ‘90s Nicktoons. I’m talking, of course, about Hey Arnold!: the show about a group of 4th graders who were also kind of high schoolers (they had lockers??) living in a city that is somehow both New York and Chicago where children are apparently allowed to run wild while also caring for their adult guardians, all of whom are suffering from some variety of mental illness.


You know, kids stuff.

Now I’m sure we all remember where we were when we found out that the flannel Arnold wore was not a kilt but rather just the bottom of his shirt coming out of his sweater (#neverforget), but the most important question about the Hey Arnold! series has yet to be answered: which characters are betchy, and which characters are not?

So here is are definitive ranking of Hey Arnold! characters by betchiness. Weird how you’ve been waiting your whole life to read it, huh? 

 1. Rhonda Wellington Lloyd 

If the fact that her name is ‘Rhonda Wellington Lloyd’ hasn’t already sold you on the fact that she is objectively the betchiest character in the series, then here are a few other facts about Rhonda to bring the point home. First off, Rhonda regularly proclaims herself as the “fashion queen” of PS. 118, and she isn’t wrong. Her look consists of a blunt-cut bob with bangs, casual red sweater dress, and some killer black leggings (Lululemon??). Rhonda looks so good that she wears this shit every damn day. Ya girl has been romantically linked to Harold, Sid, Curly, and Arnold himself but she never makes it official with any of them which just goes to show that in Rhonda’s world all dick is up for grabs and there is no such thing as a guy friend. 

Rhonda secures her title as betchiest Hey Arnold! character in the episode "Rhonda’s Glasses" in which she likens her struggles with having to get glasses to those of Rosa Parks in 1955, then goes on to never once wear the glasses ever again. That is some top notch over-exaggeration mixed in with some Seal Team 6 level Making-Shit-About-Me, and for that, Rhonda Wellington Lloyd should be very, very proud. 

Also look at these outfits. Case closed.

2. Olga Pataki

Olga is too much of a nice girl to be in the top spot, but she is the hottest and blondest of the Hey Arnold! characters which puts her in a solid second place. Olga is a total daddy’s girl who basically wears Britney’s outfit from the Baby One More Time video on the daily. Seriously. Olga has dressing like a slut down pat and rocks her midriff-baring, cleavage-showing, hoop-earring-ed, mini-skirted look even when she is out tutoring young, pubescent boys. Olga is a bit of a TTH when it comes to school shit, but again, she is insanely hot and has no idea that she stole her little sister’s boyfriend so she’s betchy whether she likes it or not. 

Also, let us not forget the amazing work she did in the fields of ugly crying, mascara running, and loud, bedridden sobbing.

 3. Those Two 6th Grade Girls From Brooklyn

 

These two (whose names are Connie and Maria, btw) are only in one episode of Hey Arnold! but their iconic appearances have landed them in the top three of our list. Connie and Maria are 6th graders, which makes them mature, who Arnold and Gerald spy casually tanning at the pool. Essentially just for the fun of making guys like them, Connie and Maria entertain Arnold and Gerald’s lame 4th grade asses, mostly in an attempt to force their actual 6th grade boyfriends into paying attention to them. Classic betch move. The boys end up actually physically fighting over the girls, at which point they choose to be with the guys who are older and hotter, as any self-respecting betch would, but not before letting Arnold and Gerald know that they still have a chance if someday they get hot in the future. That, my friends, is called looking out for number-fucking-one. 

4. Sid

Sid has no last name and looks like the type of person who would Mr. Robot you when he gets older, but he has the most cohesive look of any of the male Hey Arnold characters, and for that we must salute him. He also tried to kill his elementary school Vice Principal by carving a voodoo doll of him made of soap, which like, haven’t we all? The main reason for Sid’s placement in this list is his love of his white pleather beatle boots, which cannot be understated.

5. Arnold Shortman

 

Arnold is the star of Hey Arnold!, which is a fairly betchy thing to be, but other than that he does not display many betchy qualities. He is mostly into helping people and hanging out with the elderly, which honestly sounds lame as shit. He also has no fucking clue when people have a crush on him, even if that person is literally stalking him and has a bubble gum statue of him in her closet. True betches always know when somebody is obsessed with them, so sorry Arnold, middle of the pack for you.

6. Lila Sawyer 

NICE GIRL NICE GIRL NICE GIRL NICE GIRL NICE GIRL!!! This little skank just thinks she can show up at P.S.118 and suddenly be “part of the gang?” No thanks. Also, are you wearing a Girl Scout Uniform? To school? What the shit is that? I know you think you’re hot shit because you somehow snagged the affections of the lead, but you don’t even use that to become a lead yourself. You stay a third-tier character at best which no true betch would ever allow. If Lila was a real betch, she would have used Arnold’s love for her to get her own goddamn spinoff show called Hayyyyyyy Lila where she gets to finally change out of that fucking green dress. In fact, only betchy thing about Lila is the harshness with which she rejects Arnold immediately after going on a full date with him, but that is not enough to get her anywhere but 6th place. Also, why the fuck is your backpack a basket? Bitch this is middle school not a picnic!

7. Stinky Peterson

Your name is Stinky and you somehow live in a country shack in the middle of a city. Moving on…

8. Harold Berman

Again, no thank you. I’m going to be the bigger person here and not body shame a 4th grader, but what I am going to say here is that nothing is preventing you, Harold, from buying a shirt that fits. Furthermore, nothing is preventing you from not having one giant-ass tooth that sticks out of your mouth. You also did not have to become a child butcher, which I assume makes you smell like meat. Your lack of betchiness is your own damn fault. Honestly, I feel like you weren’t even trying. Also, this is not an acceptable outfit for the pool: 

 

Get your shit together.

9. Helga G. Pataki

Oh, girl. HAVE. SOME. DAMN. RESPECT. FOR. YOURSELF. This behavior is straight-up unacceptable. You do not make bubble gum sculptures of boys; boys make bubble gum sculptures of you. I get that you have a troubled home life but holy fucking shit, this is not a way to be. Bare minimum, you do not need to have a unibrow. That is like, ground zero of shit you need to fix before you become an adult. Seriously. Get a therapist. Do some self care. Take a personal day and figure your shit out because if you keep this up you will be the world's first cartoon female serial killer. This is not a joke. I am concerned. We are all concerned. Get the help that you need, and for the love of God, stay away from Arnold Shortman before you are legally required to keep a safe distance. Also, this shit can never happen again: 

Never.

10. Phoebe Heyerdahl

Phoebe has some fairly betchy qualities—mainly that she is the love interest of Gerald and how she takes advantage of everyone when her leg breaks—but she is at the bottom of the list because the only thing less betchy than being an insane stalker is being the sidekick of an insane stalker. Sorry Pheebs. Maybe think about the company you keep next time. 

11. Heavy Breathing Guy

NOPE. NO. BYE. GO HOME. HOW THE FUCK IS THIS KID STILL ALLOWED TO BE AT SCHOOL? HOMEBOY IS A SEXUAL HARASSER WHO NEEDS A PERMANENT DESK IN THE PRINCIPAL’S OFFICE. HIS APPEARANCE IN THE OPENING CREDITS IS ACCOMPANIED BY A LITERAL WOMAN'S SCREAM. MOTION TO HAVE THIS FUCKER REMOVED FROM THE SCHOOL. I’M ANGRY!!!!

Honorable Mention: Gerald Johanssen

Had a hard time with Gerald because while I do not think he is particularly betchy, he is cool and maybe the best character on the show. Gerald takes no shit from nobody and probably has a very betchy girlfriend who he goes home to at night and is like “baby you wouldn’t believe the fuckin’ clowns I gotta go to school with all day.” Also, it is heavily implied that he smokes weed and has a drug dealer named "Fuzzy Slippers" (go back and watch and tell me I'm wrong), which is legit hilarious, especially for a 4th grader.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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