Welcome back to tax hell, my friends. Remember last Friday night when Senate Republicans surprised Democrats with a 497-page House tax reform plan at 9:30 PM and then gave them 4.5 hours to read it before voting while we were all drunkenly celebrating the charging of Mike Flynn? It’s cool, neither do we. Ever since the Trump administration started, it’s like my memory wipes itself every 48 hours for self-preservation. Like 50 First Dates, but my brain trauma was actually caused by the President of the United States and not by dating Adam Sandler a car accident. (Is that how she loses her memory in 50 First Dates? Idk? I hate Adam Sandler movies.) We’ve already talked about why the GOP Tax Bill is shady af – and that was just about the tax related shit it included. “But why would a tax bill contain reform on non-tax related issues?” you naively ask in this, the cursedyear of 2017.
“BECAUSE EVERY THING IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING AWFUL,” I cackle back while chugging a can of wine at 6:30AM on a Thursday. It’s fine. I’m fine. We’re all going to be fine.
That’s right, the GOP isn’t just here to make sure you can never own property or pay off your student loans – they want to fuck up other aspects of your life too! Who knew? It’s like they’re actual demons masquerading as rich, white conservatives! Oh. Wait.
Anyway, here’s all the shady shit the GOP snuck into their tax bill while we weren’t looking:
Unborn Fetuses Are People Now
Honestly, how did we all not see this one coming? They managed to sneak this one in under the rule that allows parents to deduct a certain amount of money for their kid’s education, citing that an unborn fetus is included in the measure. Lol. As if anyone will be able to afford college 18 years from now.
This doesn’t really change how that particular law works, but it does set a precedent for an unborn fetus being a person, the first step in eventually attempting to turn over Roe v Wade. Get your red cloaks out ladies, it’s only a matter of time. Under his eye.
Separation of Church and State? Fuck that.
We’re one step closer to Pence’s America, folks. The House tax plan repeals the Johnson Amendment, which previously banned non-profit groups from engaging in political activism AKA churches can’t openly raise money and campaign for a candidate. If this bill makes it through the Senate review, every little Evangelical hellhole can start raising money to send their very own neighborhood pedophile to Washington DC.
Health Insurance Is (More) Expensive
SHOCKING. The plan repeals the Obamacare individual mandate, which made universal health care cheaper by spreading the cost of it across everyone because everyone had to buy insurance. Now that you’re not legally mandated to have health insurance, premiums will go up. You get cancer? Bankrupt. Break your leg? Say goodbye to your future. Get strep throat? Have fun living on the street you fucking animal.
Alaskan Oil and Gas Drilling
Because we learned nothing from the Dakota Access Pipeline, the Senate tax bill would open 1.5-million-acres of the 20-million-acre Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. There’s nothing fun or witty to say here, we’re just destroying protected land now. This bill has literally divulged me of a sense of humor. Thanks, Republicans.
Public School Funding is at Risk
Your favorite serial killer senator Ted Cruz snuck an amendment in that makes private or religious schools cheaper, but potentially cuts off funding for public schools by eliminating deductions for state and local income taxes and capping deductions for property taxes. Mandatory free education for children? Who needs it! Reading is overrated.
Beer and Wine Are…Cheaper?
Could there possibly be good news hidden within this sham of a bill? Maybe, as long as you’re not worried about cheaper alcohol raising the rate of drunk driving related deaths and addiction. Tbh, if any of us make it to 2020, alcoholism is the least of our concerns.
The bill would reduce special taxes on beer and wine, meaning an extra $4.2 billion in benefits. It’s not crystal clear if this is a win, but it’s the closest thing we have so I’m gonna take it.
The kicker in all this? Trump and his team are relying on the election of Roy Moore, A PEDOPHILE, to secure this bill. That’s right, our collective future depends on the discretion of a man who fucks children.
Cool. Everything is so great. I’m gonna go finish that box of wine now.
Heads up, you need to keep up with the news. It’s not cute anymore. That’s why we’ve created a 5x weekly newsletter called The ‘Sup that will explain all the news of the week in a hilarious af way. Because if we weren’t laughing, we’d be crying. Sign up for The ‘Sup now!
