The Betches' Guide To The High Maintenance Boyfriend

By Cleobetchra

Chances are you have one or know someone who does. Not an STD, but maybe that too. A high maintenance boyfriend. High Maintenance Boyfriends are guys who consistently act like bigger divas than their girlfriends. How do you know if you’re messing with an HMB? Does he drive an Audi or BMW? Does he have a strangely intimate relationship with his mother? Or your mother? Does he dress better than you? Congrats, you’re dating a woman. Not really, but practically.

The high maintenance boyfriend is more or less a betch in a straight man’s body. He probably went to a prep school and an Ivy or NESCAC that his dad got him into. Unlike GBFFs, HMBs have guy friends, but they’re all just a herd of closet sensitives in Chubbies. Their pastimes include not showing emotion, having drunk fights, avoiding working out and speaking in a monotone voice. They like getting massages because they're so stressed out all the time. Sound familiar?

A HMB’s instagram feed will probably look exactly like yours, and that’s a solid indicator of man-betchyness. He’ll ‘gram food, expensive things and pics of himself and his drinking buddies. You may be thinking, why do we date HMBs? Isn’t that like dating yourself? Yes, it’s exactly like dating yourself and that’s why we do it. High maintenance guys understand us like guys who wear sweatpants in public just don’t.

Scott Disick is the HMB poster child. He championed the role by out diva-ing all of the Kardashians, and now he doesn’t have a job and doesn’t need one. Win for the Lord. Not all high maintenance boyfriends will be so lucky, but most of them don’t need luck. Man betches aren’t really made, they’re born. Into money.

Some people may not understand the bond you share with your HMB over expensive clothes and talking shit and that's okay. We understand that there's enough room for two betches in a relationship even if the rest of the world doesn't.




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