March 16, 2015
This weekend was the Justin Bieber Roast, and much like his music career it started strong and ended hella weak - kind of like when a nice girl runs the open bar at a sorority mixer. The full episode will air on Comedy Central on March 30th, but here's a sneak preview at the best one-liners form the Roast:
"Selena Gomez wanted to be here, but she's dating men now."
"You have it all - except love, friends, good parents, and a Grammy."
"Actually you should thank me for participating in this extremely transparent attempt to be more likeable in the public eye. And, I hope it doesn't work."
"Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn't rank that low. And he uses your music to torture people."
"I'm here to give Justin Bieber some tips for when he inevitably ends up in prison. Change up those tattoos. You have an owl on your arm and the word patience on your neck. I would suggest the words white power, full back, so you don't look like some 14-year old girl's Trapper Keeper."
So obvi all of that was amazing, but then Justin decided to make a speech. He said, "I've turned a lot of people off in the last few years [see: Selena Gomez]. But I know I can still put out good music and turn everything all around [oh word? You know that?] I am looking forward to being someone you can all be proud of." LAME. Doesn't Justin get that he's the train wreck we love to hate? Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes pulled themselves together, Britney Spears circa 2007 is a fleeting dream, and One Direction is surprisingly sober. His messy antics are essential now. Sure maybe Justin's not the child-star shit-show that we need, but he's the one we deserve.