187. Homeland

By The Betches

Sometimes when a high quality but kind of unbetchy show starts on a premium channel we'll get really into it but won't be sure why. In Homeland's case it could be due to the fact that 24 made counterterrorism chic, or perhaps our inability to look away when Carrie puts on her crazy eyes and a burka... but we have a sneaking suspicion it's just a sheer appreciation for our boy Mandy Patinkin. We definitely don't love the show for Brody the scary ginger terrorist or the presence of like any hot or funny characters other than Mike (maybe), but for some strange reason betches everywhere are more fucking obsessed with Homeland than Carrie is with Brody, Abu Nazir, Estes, or Saul (just wait, season 3, it's coming).


Honestly we haven't loved a show so much with such an unbetchy backdrop since the premiere of Girls. Like literally nothing about this show is betchy. When they're not inside a mosque or scary terrorist holding cell they're either at the CIA (lots of #36 work going on there) or like, chilling in the forest. Notice they love the forest on this show. When was the last time you met up with your besties in a heavily wooded area with no seating? Camp was so 2003.

I mean, due to Homeland, many weird things have been happening to us and we feel confused. For instance, at a pregame this weekend our non-persian bestie just randomly shouted out "allah huak-bah" and instead of being like, "what the fuck did you just say," we all laughed and spoke at length about how we regret not dressing up as slutty terrorists for Halloween. Oh and the other horrible thing that happened this week: we didn't have one bad thing to say about Anne Hathaway as Carrie Matheson on SNL. We even laughed. That bitch.

But let's talk about each character and the shit that wasn't said on any waning sketch comedy shows or online: 

Carrie - Can you imagine someone more entertaining than a real life BSCB who also happens to be the ultimate delusional dater of the century? She's a huge fan of self medication, ugly crying, using CIA interrogations as an excuse to tell Brody about her feelings, and making her eyes really wide. She brings a whole new meaning to the age-old fucktarded question Am I a Carrie? But at least Claire Danes's face doesn't resemble the bunions on a ballerina's foot. 

We're excited for her to get over Brody and move on to the new hot / shot CIA bro because truthfully, if I am forced to watch naked Brody thrusting at Crazy Carrie ever again I may have to start watching Homeland with a puke bag. Here is our favorite Carrie face:

or maybe this: 

Brody - Major props to the producers of this show for channeling American antagonism towards terrorists and gingers into one gnarly bro. As we said before, we're positive that any time he kisses anyone betches all over the world collectively cringe. And as SNL also pointed out this Saturday, Nicholas Brody gets the award for world's smallest mouth. Seriously, you need Lydia Davis' magnifying glass to be able to see his mouth physically moving while he speaks. Also, British actors need to realize that grunting at a really low octave is not the best way to pull off an American accent. Think about it... Chuck Bass.

Jessica Brody - Stop calling your husband 'Brody' to his face because in that case, you should be calling yourself Brody. And stop being so mean to Dana for no reason, it's not her fault she doesn't know how to speak without looking like her cat just died. Also, your neck is too long to be trusted.

Saul - The Mazel of the Day goes to Saul aka Mandy P (yeah you know me). Why do we love this bearded bro? No fucking clue.

Estes - More like #69 besties. Finding out that both him and Brody have British accents in real life made them so much hotter. It's casual he used to hook up with Carrie, but it's also casual that he doesn't really do any work. Be honest, upon hearing about the real life CIA scandal, how many of you thought it was about David Estes for a split second?

Dana - What a little Maude Apatow. Seriously, why is this girl so eager to get arrested, like sprinting into the police station to turn herself in for a hit and run? Better take a lesson from your #55 dad and learn how to kill people then lie about it effortlessly. Now we're not going to lie and say we're shadily pissed off she and Finn Walden hit someone with a car because we don't want Finn in trouble because he is soooo cute...no pedo.

Brody's son - Who?

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