Homemade Pumpkin Pie: Because You Don’t Want to be Basic on Thanksgiving

By Betchy Crocker

Somehow, you were pressured into bringing dessert for Thanksgiving. “FINE,” you think angrily, “I’ll just grab a pumpkin pie.” But slow your roll; do you really want people to see you as the betch who stops at a grocery store and picks up a subpar pumpkin pie made by an hourly associate who definitely didn’t care that much about the pre-made pumpkin pie filling he or she was pouring into that crust? No, you don’t.

Pumpkin pie isn’t THAT hard. We made one from scratch and didn’t get burned OR ruin a family holiday.


  • 2 eggs plus the yolk of a 3rd egg
  • ½ cup packed dark brown sugar
  • 1/3 cup white sugar
  • ½ tsp salt
  • 3 tsps cinnamon
  • 2 tsp ginger
  • ½ tsp nutmeg
  • ¼ tsp cloves
  • ¼ tsp cardamom
  • 2 cups pumpkin pulp puree from a sugar pumpkin OR canned pumpkin puree NOT the fucking pumpkin pie filling – it needs to say “100% pumpkin”
  • 1 ½ cups heavy cream
  • 1 crust – either store bought or homemade – we made a graham cracker one so there

Ok so if you’ve opted for the non-canned pumpkin, preheat the oven to 350F. Cut the pumpkin in half reserving the seeds for toasting later (DUH) and discarding the rest of those innards. Place the cut side down on a foil-lined baking sheet and roast for about 90 minutes or until a fork can easily pierce the outside. Scoop out the pulp and set aside.

Beat the eggs in a large bowl then mix in all the ingredients up to the pumpkin. Mix in the pumpkin and cream slowly until everything is super incorporated. Pour into an unbaked pie shell and bake at 425F for like 15 minutes then turn the heat down to 350F and cook for another 50 minutes or until a knife inserted into the center comes out clean. Cool on a wire rack for like 2 hours and serve with whipped cream and domesticity.




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