March 18, 2014
The betch is a rare breed, but it is not confined to just the human race. Pets can be equally betchy, and have proven over the years to be the most loyal of friends: they always listen to you bitch about your friends, they never judge you for spending all day in bed, and because you technically own them, they kind of have to be there for you when you’re sad/hungover/can’t move because Scandal is on. Mind you of course, not all pets were created equal. Here’s a list of pets from betchiest to least betchy.
1. Tiny dogs. Think Tinkerbell Hilton, or Giggy Vanderpump. These literal bitches make perfect sidekicks because they fit into your purse like a can of Altoids. A must before a night out. Plus they refuse to pick up their own shit, forcing those around them to deal with it themselves. Critics claim that chihuahuas are bad family pets because they’re cold, unfriendly, and typically combative. But that’s no excuse to not carry one along with you as arm candy. They’re basically the canine equivalent of gay men.
2. Horse. Remember that WASBy betch from your boarding school who went home on the weekends because she had to ride her horses at her family ranch? What we’d give to be that fucking classy. Having your own horse basically makes you a Kennedy.
3. Fish. We’re not talking about like a giant bass in a weird aquarium that you have to clean or whatever. We mean a tiny little guy you just keep in a bowl and remember to feed sometimes. That’s a pet who knows how to watch his weight.
4. Hamster. Vegetarian who sleeps all day and has no merit beyond it’s physical cuteness. Total betch.
5. Big dogs. They can be just as loyal as their small counterparts, but they’re a huge hassle on car rides, and walking one around gives you a kind of butch vibe. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.
6. Cat. Kind of like a tiny dog, but with no personality and the overwhelming implication that you’re old and lonely. Plus they shed. Gross.
7. Turtle. These fuckers live forever and they smell like shit. Kim Richards may have also ruined their reputation forever. Not to mention that having a turtle makes you seem like a weird 10-year-old girl who reads books and has reptiles for friends.
8. Bird. Like, why?