How Can I Tell If The Coworker I Like Has A Girlfriend? Ask A Pro

Got a question about life, love or your fat boyfriend? Send it to Head Pro at [email protected]


Before we get to your letters, you know what’s literally the fucking worst? Not getting ID’d. I was in CVS the other Sunday buying beer (Bud Light, the official drink of underage kids), dressed in gym shorts and flip flops (the official uniform of college kids too kewl to give a fuck) and went through self-checkout (the obvious choice for skirting age requirements. And? Nothing. Guy just rolled up, swiped me through the “your order contains an age restricted item, you degenerate” screen and went about his day. Do I really look that much older than 21? I don’t want to be reminded of my own mortality due to the way my irresponsible lifestyle has ravaged my body. They should ID people for buying chewing gum, dammit.

On to your emails:

Dear Head Pro,

So I met a guy at work (I know, I know, don't shit where you eat but let's move on) a few weeks ago and ever since I've been thoroughly confused. We immediately hit it off upon meeting and two hours into us knowing each other, we get into an elevator and he tries to kiss me. I mean, I knew we were flirting but I wasn't expecting that at all- so I kinda fucked up and just stood there and let him kiss my forehead. I couldn't decide if that move was bold in a sexy way or in a what-the-fuck-calm-down way, but I knew I was into him so I let it slide.
He texted me later in the day asking if I wanted to get lunch the next day. We went and it was nice, not extremely flirty (he's a man of few words) but not uncomfortable at all. Later, he asked if he could walk me to the subway and before we separated to go to our respective platforms, he kissed me goodbye (this time I let him and we had a quick make-out, nothing too PDA). He then texted me asking to go for drinks that weekend, to which I happily agreed. Again, the next day we went out for lunch the two of us, and didn't kiss at all (I didn't mind considering I had just eaten and didn't know the state of my breath).

Then Friday comes along and nobody has mentioned the aforementioned date we talked about. I didn't want to come out and ask about it because I figured he was the one who invited me, so he should be the one to follow through (is that wrong?). Instead, I texted him asking if he got a chance to watch the show I told him to watch. He didn't answer. We didn't talk all weekend (but we never had texting conversations before, just coordinating lunch and him asking me out). Basically, I don't know if I'm making myself look like an idiot by still hanging out with first he seemed like he was very obviously into me, now I have no idea. Is there still a possibility of things working in my favor? How should I go about this....?
Confused Betch

Dear Confused (ugh) Betch,

Damn, that is one thirsty-ass bro. Going for the makeout within two hours of meeting, and at work? Where do you work, the dancefloor at my old frat house? Anyway, I don’t think you’re making yourself look stupid (beyond the whole “continuing to fawn over the guy who made a date and bailed on you” thing). The only person who looks stupid in this, I think, is this guy’s girlfriend.

I mean, all the signs are there. The lack of text communication is a big one - sure, he could be a “man of few words,” but more likely he doesn’t want his girlfriend to see him texting you when he’s at home. The intensity of your interactions at work are telling, too, because he’s trying to make the most of your time together knowing the long-term prospects on this don’t look good. Of course, the cancelled (or rather, ghosted) date is most telling. Maybe he thought she would be out of town or something, but then she wasn’t. That’s probably why he just tried to dodge the question - lying to someone’s face is hard.

Obviously this is all conjecture on my part, but my gut tells me that’s what you’re dealing with.

Dear Head Pro,
Am I doing something wrong if guys keep ghosting on me? I've had this happen with a couple different guys. They act really into me at first and will seem interested in going out again up until they go incommunicado. I would understand the disappearing act if they didn't seem all that into me to begin with, but why bother acting like you really want to see someone again if you don't? If I could think of more relevant information to include, I would, but I have no idea what, if anything, I'm screwing up. If it matters these are late 20s pros, not college guys. Most annoying of all, one of the guys keeps posting on Facebook about how much he wishes he could find a girl.

Haunted Betch

Dear Haunted Betch,

Yeah, I mean without any other information, it’s hard to say. I will say, though, that if a guy in his 20s is posting on social media about finding a girl, that man has issues. It’s understandable to want companionship, but that guy is way too old for that. People like that want a reason to blame women for their problems, and will find new and inventive self-destructive ways to maintain that narrative. Were you friendly when he approached you? “Oh, I bet that slut fucks every guy she meets, no nice girl is friendly to me.” Did you accept an invitation for a date? “I bet she just wants a free meal. All girls are gold diggers, just like I thought.” People like that are deeply, deeply disturbed.

Other than that, I got nothing. Where are you meeting these guys, the CVS self-checkout line? Because I know from experience that it’s a pretty hush-hush affair. They don’t even want to know your name.

Hey Head Pro,

I recently started seeing this guy who's really great. I've dated plenty of losers before, but this guy is kind, doesn't play games, and he's smart, funny and career-driven. The only problem (I think) is his appearance. He could stand to lose a few pounds, which he even acknowledges himself, and told me he just bought an elliptical to help him do that. In theory the weight doesn't bother me, but it's hard for me to feel physically attracted to him when we're hooking up once his shirt comes off. My question is, should I keep dating this guy and just put off sex with him til he loses weight (assuming that will happen; we're talking maybe 10-25 lbs here)? Or break things off now because he deserves someone who will accept him as is? (And just an aside, fitness and eating healthy are super important to me, and I regularly allocate time from my busy schedule to work out. So it's important to me to be with someone who's equally in good shape and cares about eating healthy.)

Not a chubby chaser

Dear Not a Chubby Chaser,

“Women marry men hoping they’ll change, men marry women hoping they never do” - Unknown

I mean, that pretty much sums it up. It’s really, really hard to get someone to change their habits. Doing so would require an arduous amount of work, patience and understanding, which in turn requires a serious commitment - and you already have misgivings about that. Losing “10-25 lbs” is an awful lot, and he sure as shit isn’t going to do that on his in-home elliptical. I mean honestly, who buys one of those?

Your choice is to either take his commitment to better fitness on a good-faith basis (knowing that he may never get there, or stay there), or let him go. Since your whole email is basically about how disgusting the thought of him shirtless is, I would say just break things off now (and prepare for a barrage of texts about how girls “like you” only go for guys with ripped abs, or some bullshit).

Dear Head Pro,

I have been dating my bf for about 2 years. He's affectionate, funny, and charming. He buys me expensive gifts, little surprises here and there, texts me all day long and makes me laugh. He's pretty much the perfect guy... Until he's mad.

When I am not on my best behavior and I say or do one wrong thing (example: accidentally falling asleep on my couch for 2 hours), he becomes extremely nasty to me. He curses at me, calls me names, and blames my "bad behavior" on my less than perfect childhood. He immediately threatens to break up with me but when we inevitably we end up back together, he showers me with gifts and talks about how he's going to marry me.

As I'm writing this, I realize it sounds crazy but I love him. I just don't know how much more I can take… Question is: do I take the bad with the good or ditch him?

A Hesitant Betch

Dear Hesitant Betch,

Holy shit, no, there is no “good” here to go along with the bad. “Taking the good with the bad” means having a loving boyfriend who puts the empty milk carton back in the fridge sometimes. What you have is a pretty classic cycle of abuse and repentance: He abuses you, buys you stuff to show you how much he loves you, and then repeats until you’ve normalized the pattern and think it’s your fault when he blows up. Like, watch an episode of SVU sometime, jeez.

If you’re constantly walking on eggshells so as to not piss him off, he’s not being an asshole “sometimes” - he’s an asshole all the time. You need to find a support network (friends, family, professionals, etc.) and get the fuck away from this loser. I mean, who gives someone shit for taking a nap? “You fucking whore, you fell asleep because your dad didn’t hug you enough!” Fuck off, buddy. I live for naps. If I take enough of them, maybe I’ll look young enough to get ID’d at CVS.

Got a question about life, love or your fat boyfriend? Send it to Head Pro at [email protected]




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