How Do I Get Guys To Stop Ghosting Me After We Hook Up? Ask a Pro

By The Head Pro

Email your questions about roommates, relationships, and sweet B2K dance moves to [email protected]

Dear Head Pro,

I'm going to university next year and I'm beginning to think about whether or not I should be roommates with my best betch since elementary school (if we end up at the same uni which we may). I mean obviously she's a lot fun and we know everything about each other, etc, but do you think this is the time in my life when I should like spread my wings and try new things or being roommates with my bff would be a good idea?

I'm just really confused and like throughout high school I've never been like a "cool" betch and so I really want university to be this time to reinvent myself.


Confused High School Betch

Dear Confused High School Betch,

No, and here’s why: Freshman roommates fucking suck. Inevitably. You’re taking two 18 year olds used to living in a normal house and sticking them in what’s essentially an upgraded prison cell. It’s never a perfect situation, but when you’ve never lived in that environment you will, without fail, want to fucking kill each other. Someone’s always up too late, has a boyfriend over, never leaves the room when all you want is 15 goddamn minutes to look at some porn over your sick new T1 internet connection, etc.

My advice is to wait and room with her next year. You need to learn how to create boundaries, but unfortunately the only way to do that is to plow through them until you want to tear each others’ nipples off with binder clips - better to do that with a weird rando than a close friend. It also gives you a convenient way to circumvent the arbitrary tenet of Betchism known as “Not Branching Out”: You meet some people on your hall, she meets some on hers, and all of a sudden you have new conduits for socializing without technically making new friends.

Matriculating Kisses,

Head Pro{C}

Head Pro,

First off, love your work. Not just kissing your ass so that you'll answer me. Genuinely a fan.

Here's my Spark Notes version of my sitch: My best friend (he's a dude) and I realized over the summer that we were into each other. Pretty cool, but then we got big kid jobs and had to move to opposite sides of the country. We agreed to try to make it work and visit each other as much as possible. Yeah, yeah. Pretty naive of us to think that'd go well, but we both cared too much about each other to just drop it and walk away. Anyway, recently, he started getting more distant and closed off and I got the vibe that he was starting to fizzle out. I'm not delusional. I know how this works. Last night he finally told me straight up "I'm not that into this anymore." Which sucks, but happens. You know? Here's the tricky part. I'd been applying for jobs in his city (with his support and encouragement because my city can suck a dick) and now I'm in the final stages of interviewing with a company there and I have a really good shot at getting it. (I have a history with the company, etc, etc, etc.) I find out if I got it within the next week.

So... my question is this: If this goes through (which you know it will because ain't that fuckin' life?), how do I act when I move to his city? This kid means the world to me and has been my best friend since the day I met him, but this is also pretty fresh heartbreak and I can't just ignore how hurt I am. Do you think there's any chance that his disinterest stems from the distance and that his "into-it-ness" will come back when he's near me again? I feel like I can't ask him without looking like I'm grasping at straws.And I guess my secondary question is: What gives? Why do we lose interest in people?


Soon-To-Be New Kid on the Block


A lot of things worked against you here. First of all, LDRs suck donkey taint, especially so when you go from “friends” to “friends that put their mouths on each other” - those relationships are especially delicate and need some TLC to fully transition. Furthermore, those kinds of relationships are hit-and-miss, regardless. Sometimes it’s wonderful, but sometimes you find that you really were better off as friends, but you’ve seen each other naked, and oh shit is this ever awkward.

Moving to a new city will definitely be easier with someone you know already there on the ground, so you’re going to need him in some capacity. That’s why I would avoid talk of the relationship that transpired for now. For one thing, it wasn’t THAT much of a relationship to begin with, since you were really only together IRL for, what, a couple of months? Also, why kick things off with the very issue that resulted in your rift in the first place? If you get the job (congrats in advance; tell your old city to choke on that big floppy dick), I would just announce your impending arrival, say that it sucks how things got so weird, and ask if he’s interested in helping you get acclimated to your new, less fellatio-inclined city.

If you were that close, he’ll at least be down for that. Will his interest rebound? Maybe. Will things be kinda weird and never quite the same since you’ve crossed that line? Probably! The point is, you’ll never find out if you dive in lamenting the loss of the romantic relationship. Just address it and proceed normally.

Stop using “kid” as a term of endearment, you are a goddamned adult,

Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

I'm a sophomore in college and have been a bit of a "late bloomer" when it comes to dating and sex. I had sex this year for the first time with a guy I had been talking to for a while but he didn't end up texting me again to hang out. I'm not sure why.

I got over that guy but then I met another one from class that I hooked up with and he was actually much nicer during the whole thing. It turns out though, he ghosted me too. He was nice enough in class and still talked to me but didn't try to hook up again.

I've never had a real relationship and have instead had mostly hookups, but I would really like to have more of a relationship even if it's casual. Do you have any advice for me in finding guys who are interested longer than one night? I know I used to be pretty shy so that prevented me from meeting guys but I honestly think I've improved a lot with that and it's not really much of a problem anymore.

Sorry for the long email,

Single and ready to mingle

Dear Single,

Ok. So, if you’ve ever played or even seen a sports video game in your life, you might recognize that in soccer/football/golf games, you kick/hit the ball via a little bar at the bottom of the screen: A cursor starts moving back and forth, and the closer you stop it to the center, the better the outcome. When you first try you suck at it, stopping the cursor all over the place. That’s actually a good metaphor for most facets of life - we’re all trying to stop the cursor at our own personal sweet spots, and never more so than in college. That’s why you’ll see people flipflop on political affiliations, go from 0-60 sex partners in 5.2 seconds, and completely reinvent their personal style every month. We’re all trying to hit that sweet spot, only without the benefit of the visual guide telling us where it is.

You’ve gone from living a life short of (what you describe as) your midpoint to landing far beyond it. Your issue isn’t “finding” guys so much as it is evaluating the guys you’re already finding. You need to learn to play the game a little, which, as I wrote last week, is neither necessarily hard nor uncomfortable. You’ve realized “hey, hooking up with guys is actually pretty easy!” And that’s valid, to a point. But if you want to find something a little more committed you have to hold off on jumping into the sack with every guy who doesn’t repulse you, and NOT because sex automatically flips off the “commitment” switch in a guy’s brain.

Guys ride the fuck coaster and then move onto the next attraction because they have no reason not to. Dating (or in the case of college, “hanging out with clothes on”), on the other hand, serves as an opportunity to not only view one another as people, but as people we know. Human beings are simply less likely to ditch people we’ve invested in, even if it’s just a few non-sexual hangouts in the frat house. Think about it: If someone forced you to kill someone, would you choose your best friend, or your freshman roommate who, goddammit, do you seriously never have to go to class? Because I’m trying to learn the sweet dance moves in this B2K video and it’s awkward with you in here.

So, when you meet a guy you think you might like to fuck and then some, put him on your list (titled, “guys I think I’d like to fuck and then some”). Then, make him get to know you, which will in turn make him want you even more. Guys who don’t take the bait are the ones that would have 100% ghosted on you given the chance.

Mingling Kisses,

Head Pro

Email your questions about roommates, relationships, and sweet B2K dance moves to [email protected]




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