How Do I Get My Guy Friend To Get Over His Ex? Dear Betch...

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

Dear Betches,

So we have this friend who is a total babe. Like, tall, tan, athletic, the whole package. But he has a tragic flaw: he has too many fucking feelings. Recently his gf (tbh she was pretty subpar) broke up with him, and for some reason he's devastated. He thinks there's a chance that they'll get back together but that's fucking insane and will never happen. We want him to get over her and help him become the bro that he could be (he has no game, it's so sad). We'd hook up with him to get him back in the game, but it would completely ruin our friend dynamic (he's a BBB anyway). How do we transform him from a sad niceguy to a betch-pulling bro?

The Betches of AKATL (don't worry about it)

Dear ATL, ho (cause you guys are members of the AKA sorority and you’re from ATL, did I get it right?),

My best advice: hire a MADE Coach who can take him shopping at the most expensive stores, get him a really nice haircut, maybe get an appointment with a dermatologist, and finally send him on brutally embarrassing exercises where he is forced to approach every girl in a 5-mile radius.

Oh, what’s that, MADE isn’t on the air anymore? Okay. TBH I think this question might be better directed at the Head Pro, but I’ll take a crack at it anyway: maybe you should just leave the bro alone? As far as I know there’s no effective way to make someone get over a breakup, and like, forcing him to get back in the game could just backfire on you and make him miss his ex more (regardless of how much she sucks). If you know a cool betch who’s into him and you think they’d hit it off, feel free to make the initial introduction and be super encouraging (but not pushy). After that there’s not much you can do to get two people to hook up with each other, short of locking them in a room together with a bottle of tequila and a Frank Ocean CD.

That’s not to say you should let him wallow in sadness all the time. Like, def make him go out with you and shit so he doesn’t sit at home alone every Saturday night (I’m assuming he also enjoys blacking out and The Pinkprint?). Otherwise, you just have to let him go through the ex life cycle at his own speed. Sucks, but what can you do? If the roles were reversed, would you want your besties, like, making a Tinder for you without your knowledge and then forcing you into going on a bunch of blind dates?

More important question: Does this guy not have any bros? If so, where tf are they?

Best of luck,

The Betches




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