How Do I Tell A Guy I've Been Sexually Assaulted? Ask A Pro

By The Head Pro

Send your questions about life, love and flamingo territories to [email protected]. You can also follow me and twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, but I'll warn you: It's 90% dick pics.


Dear Head Pro,

Here’s a little break from the delusional daters for you since I have a real question I’d like a guy’s opinion on: how do I go about telling future hookups/boyfriends that I was sexually assaulted?

It happened in college and I brushed it off like “LOL now I have a weird sex story” but I finally had a lightbulb moment almost 3 years after the fact when it finally clicked that it wasn’t just "weird" was a huge violation of my consent.

I know the easy answer is that any guy worth my time won’t be turned off by it but it’s definitely something I feel is important to share with future partners. Even though I love sex (who doesn’t?) and identify as a feminist, I also 100% understand why the topic of rape/consent/sexual assault can make guys uncomfortable (it shouldn’t and it’s stupid that it does, but I get it). I have yet to tell a guy about the experience since I had my “aha” moment but I know I’d want him to understand why certain positions are and are not ok with me, at least until I feel comfortable around him. It would be such a buzzkill to drop this on him mid-hookup so any suggestions for how to handle this subject would be greatly appreciated


Christ, what does it say about my life that a rape story is a “little break” from monotony? I think (or I’d like to think, at least) that you’d be surprised by how many guys would handle the situation with care regardless of when you told them, but you’re right in that it’s not exactly a recipe for romance to drop the “I was assaulted” thing as he’s rolling on the condom. Ironically, I think in early-stage hookups your best bet is to be aggressive and take control: Set the tone and pace so that hopefully, whatever positions you aren’t comfortable with don’t come up. If they do, a simple “I don’t like it that way, let’s switch” will hopefully suffice.

Other than that, if you dig someone and want them to know, I figure you’d tell them around the same time you’d bring up anything else deeply personal to you: “I don’t actually like Beyonce,” “I had an imaginary friend until I was 19,” “My parents were murdered in front of me and I became a masked vigilante,” that kind of thing. That is, it depends on you and how you feel about the person. When it feels right (though earlier rather than later, I would think), let them know that you were assaulted, that certain positions still give you pause, and that you’re only telling them this because you like them and would like to have a normal, healthy sex life with them.

As you said, anyone who can’t cope with that is obviously not gonna work for you.

Dear Head Pro,

One of my best guy friends since high school and I have a pretty rocky history. We were always strictly "just friends" until a few years ago when we hooked up one night and ever since then we have hooked up every so often.  I will admit I caught the feelings for him.  I then started to wonder if he had some kind of feelings for me too because since we live in different states now, he liked to initiate some sexting. Then the last time we hooked up a few months ago, I kind of lashed out with, "What are we?? Why do we keep doing this?" etc. to see if he would admit if he liked me or not.  That next day I told him we shouldn't hook up any more and he agreed it was for the best.  Flash forward to this week, he has started texting me more hinting at wanting to sext again.  I guess my questions boil down to:  why does he keep wanting to sext when I told him we should stop everything a couple of months ago, why he can't just look at porn or something instead, and could there be underlying feelings on his end after all?

Not sexty and I know it

He wants sexts from you for the same reason a bespoke suit is preferable to one off the rack: Anything custom made for you is better than something made for a general audience. There are entire subreddits dedicated to women voluntarily (and unsolicitedly!) posting nude pictures of themselves, and it’s the best thing in the goddamn world. Sure, he could go out on the internet and find the most depraved, explicit fetish porn in the world, but a snap of your boobs is still going to be more exciting because you made it for him. I can see pornstars naked all the time. But seeing a non-professional naked (even if I’ve seen them naked before)? FLAWLESS VICTORY.

(Plus, getting hawt n00dz makes him think you might still want to fuck him, which is a nice thing to feel even if it’s not true and he doesn’t actually care. And if the kind of sexting you’re talking about is just sexytalk as opposed to pics, then that’s entirely what it’s about)

Dear Head Pro,
I've been dating this guy for a couple months now. He is hot, makes good money, and an absolute sweetheart to me and ONLY me which almost sounds like a bummer but is actually great. Before I start sounding like the hair flip emoji, I'll get down to brass taxes.

Before we started dating, he revealed to me that he had cheated on his last (and only) girlfriend with whom he had been dating for 5+ years. This obviously raised a big flag for me but hoping the claim that people can change is true, I started dating him despite my better judgement. The fact that he took almost two years before even thinking about getting into a relationship and the fact that I've seen him curve girls left and right in the year I've been friends with him prior to dating him helped my decision.

Since starting to date him, I've gotten to know his friend group better. Simply put, they're pretty much your average run of the mill bros but nothing a betch can't handle. what does concern me is that at least two of his friends are actually cheating on their long term girlfriends currently. Although he seems sure of his intentions and leaving his past behind, I can't help to be unsure if I'm making the right decision by staying with him further. Head Pro, what do you think? Should I bolt before I further invest more time into a lost cause?

Perpetually ready to run

Eh, the whole “once a cheater, always a cheater” thing is played out and kind of baseless, if you ask me. People just aren’t that simple, and more than anything it’s a way for embittered people to project their failures and reluctance onto others. Like, sure, if a guy has a known record of keeping an active hotation and constantly running around on women behind their backs, that guy’s probably worthy of the scarlet letter “C.” But you know, one day that guy might get married and never look back - do we still label him a “cheater” 5, 10, 20 fidelitous years later? Basically, a cheater’s a cheater until they aren’t, the same way some people are never cheaters, or aren’t cheaters until they are. Predicting someone’s future actions based on a handful of transgressions (or lack thereof) is like trying to predict the VMA winners by reading YouTube comments.

Cheating is like murder and enjoying Miley Cyrus’ music in that while it’s something we’ll condemn loudly in public, in private you might be like “well I wouldn’t, but I kind of see why they did.” Case in point, your boyfriend’s friends. He presumably knows that it was wrong when he cheated, and it’s wrong now that they’re cheating, but maybe their girlfriends really do suck so he finds it hard to care. Or, maybe it’s not worth the trouble and the friction it would cause for him. Either way, infidelity is not a plague-like contagion. If a guy’s happy where he is, no amount of watching his bros troll for strange on the DL will make him abandon his principles. If anything, it might remind him of how lucky he is and how good he has it.

Hey Head Pro,

Dear lord please help me with this or i will run into a wall soon. I’ve been seeing (well i don’t even know if you’d consider this “seeing” each other at all. All we do is meet to bang, once or twice a week). We started talking in march and ever since then everyday, texting each other, we’ve gone out for drinks a total of two times, TWO, since march. ITS AUGUST. I tried to break it off in june but he said thats not what he wanted, that he likes me and doesn’t want to stop seeing me. So, whatever, i caved, fuck me right?! The kicker is, he says he likes me, he will question what I’m doing and who I’m doing it with, if i have my phone out he will just start looking through it (not overstepping his boundaries or anything but lets say i was showing him a picture he’d start to swipe left). He also states that he doesn’t know i feel because I’m a hard person to read. Kay homeboy, no I’m not I’ve made it clear I’m into him, at least i think i did. He will also try to get a rise out of me i feel, he will go up to the cottage with friends for four days and not text which is fine and i say have a great weekend and his response is “You’re mad?”.. uhm.. no. Is this a “he’s just not that into you” thing? Here i am confused as a koala chilling with some flamingos and i can’t ask my friends because I’ve already exhausted them with this whole messed up situation.

With Love,
Confused Koala

Ugh, please do us a favor and go ahead and spear that wall Bill Goldberg style. Let’s do a quick comparison - based on the facts set out in your email, tell me which set of parameters should carry greater weight:

1) Your meetings consist entirely of sex, he’s controlling when he’s with you and violates your privacy, he’s an asshole when he’s not with you, and he treated your explicit request to end the relationship as though it was a non-sequitur that barely demanded the dignification of a response.

2) "But he said he likes meeeeeeeeeee"

Yeah, you’re not gonna garner a lot of sympathy from anyone when you try to break it off with someone, they say “no,” and then you’re just like “oh lol ok then.” It’s pretty obvious this guy is the kind of dick who relishes control, which would explain why it wasn’t until you tried to break it off that he felt it necessary to at least lie and said he had feelings for you. As for saying you’re hard to read, that’s pure filler, a lazy go-to in the guy playbook when he wants to dodge a question. This guy is never going to “come around” and act normally. He’s still an asshole using you for sex, now he just has to talk to you more often, which seems like a chore to him. Break up with him and don’t text him again, it’s never gonna work out.

Considering that Australia (home of the koala) is the only continent apart from Antarctica to have no wild flamingos, that would be one confused koala indeed.

Send your questions about life, love and flamingo territories to [email protected]. You can also follow me and twitter and Instagram at @betchesheadpro, but I'll warn you: It's 90% dick pics.




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