How do I win with the College Athlete Bro? Ask A Pro

By The Head Pro

Dear Head Pro,

So I've been reading this website for as long as I can remember, and I've obvi read "Nice is Just a Place in France" as well. I try to follow all of the advice that applies to me, but I've found that it doesn't work as well as I wish it did when it comes to one specific type of bro: my college's football team.

Overall, they're a good looking group of future pros. They're worshipped on campus (we have a good team), and they think they have all the power in all situations. Especially with girls. I've hooked up with a few (not fucking, no worries, and my friends on the football team have assured me none of them have talked shit about me in the locker room), and "winning the game" just doesn't seem to work with them. No one is too above the betches’ advice, right? Before I hooked up with any, we would be talking for awhile and they definitely pursued it from me. I just don't understand what has to be done differently with football bros, or college athletes in general. How do you win the game with a guy who thinks he has all of the power, when he kind of does?


Not a Jersey Chaser Betch (kind of)

Dear Not a Jersey Chaser Betch (yes you are),

I checked and this site has been around a little over two years. While I appreciate the toll that multiple weekly blackouts can take on your mental faculties, I hope that February of 2011 is not as “long as you can remember.” Quick, what’s the capital of Honduras? Nope, it’s Tegucigalpa. Tighten up.

No, no one is above the betches’ (or my) advice. The reason you’re not winning with the football bros is that you aren’t playing the game to begin with. By definition, you cannot win with someone you’re actively and obviously trying to get with. No matter which school you attend, the football players are going to be by far the dumbest people on campus at any given time. I went to a prestigious as fuck school that could have cared less about football, and most of them still wound up selling insurance or some shit after they graduated. Still, even football players can tell the jersey chasers from the girls who don’t even know what a football looks like.

They don’t talk about you in the locker room because with so many girls throwing themselves on their dicks, you probably aren’t that remarkable. As long as your most defined criterion for a guy is “plays football,” the players are always going to have the upper hand. If you want them to pursue you, first of all good luck because as you know, they practically live their lives swimming through a sea of vaginas. But if you want a chance, you have to make them see you as an actual person rather than another nameless jersey chasing fuckstick. The way to do that, thereby getting the power back on your side, is to not act like a nameless jersey chasing fuckstick. Have a life. Talk to other guys. You go to a D1 school, so it’s probably not small. Rock stars don’t pursue the groupies. They wife up the girls who couldn’t give a fuck that they’re rock stars.

Statistically Speaking None of them Will Ever Make it to the NFL,

Head Pro

Dear HeadPro,

I'll probably be chastised for this but I can't help but ask you since I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone else. I have been dating someone for 6 months and he is actually the definition of everything I've ever wanted. I'm about to graduate college, he's about to meet my parents, and everything is getting serious but going great.

So what's my problem? Checking phones.

Long story short ive caught him texting one other girl occasionally until I put a stop to that with his permission by telling her he wasn't interested. Her response didnt really make me think they were anything important it was kind of a nonchalant "me neither" and it was done. I know this makes me sound insane but really she would not stop with the stupid "how come I never see you downtown anymore?" BS and I was really tired of it. Plus to me if he didn't care about her why would he want to hurt me by flirting with some girl that didn't matter?

Ever since this happened I periodically check up on him-- I'm talking like once every two weeks not every other day but unlike with the bar slut I don't tell him I do it. I have never seen texts from the bar slut since. But I recently came across a few messages between him and his old college friend basically saying that I like him a lot more than he likes me, he wishes he weren't dating me on the weekends, and he's just riding it out but we don't really have a future. (For reference I really try to be cool and not prevent him from going out on the weekends so i have no idea what hes talking about. I've never been one of those controlling girls who dictates what a guy can do.)

Because I don't want him to get angry I didn't tell him about this and honestly we have no problems minus my insecurities. I did try to let him off the hook by asking him if he needed a break to which he responded both confused and panicked saying he never thought he'd given me indication of that. and hes right he hasnt. But here's my question: do guys just have these secrets they keep from their girlfriends and its basically harmless or am I dating a real creep who has no real feelings for me?

What I keep finding would honestly be harmless if I never saw it but if he really feels that way I definitely don't want to "trap" him. Help??


Worst girlfriend on the planet

Dear Neither Worst nor Best Girlfriend on the Planet,

So…. What you really mean is that nothing, literally nothing is going great? You mean that you have ALL of the problems, minus your well-founded insecurities? I’m just going to lay this out there: You and your relationship are fucked. How you don’t see it’s fucked and think it’s “harmless” is beyond me, but it is fucked all the same, without lube or consideration for its sexual satisfaction. I think the Head Betches need to come up with a name for this new kind of delusional dater, the kind who thinks everything is fine and believes the problems are all in her head, because this is like two weeks in a row now.

Yeah, phone snooping is bad. Everyone knows I hate that. But what you found (and continue to find) should be alarming as fuck, not something that would be “harmless if you never saw it.” Guys can be idiots, and sometimes we’ll maybe get a little too chatty with a girl, especially over text since we see it as harmless and not something that would go anywhere. Whatever, girls push their boobs up when they want to feel hot; guys entertain a text or two from another girl. But consider this: What incentive does he have to lie to his old friend? It’s not like it’s even another woman he’s trying to string along. If he’s saying these things, there’s no reason to believe it’s not how he actually feels.

Sure, guys keep secrets from their girlfriends, but they’re more the “I jerk off in double-digit quantities when you’re out of town” variety and less the “we have no future” kind of secrets. I don’t know if you’re desperate to get married or what, but you need to stop pinning this on your insecurities and realize that these are huge, monumental issues that aren’t your fault. If anyone has a problem, it’s him for being too much of a pussy to exit the relationship. Giving him an out won’t work. Your relationship might seem great when you have your blinders on, but it is not. It is fucked. It’s up to you to make your own out.

Maybe Don’t Introduce him to your Parents,

Head Pro




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