This Is How Long Sex Should Last, According To Lying Scientists

Sex. It's a dingy, unseemly subject, and we shouldn't discuss it. We especially shouldn't discuss the duration of sex, because from where I'm standing that's immaterial to reproduction, which is what sex is for. But people do discuss sex, like this article at The Conversation that covers that very immoral and frankly uncouth topic. According to a study of 500 couples who timed their immoral copulation, the median duration for sex was 5.6 minutes.

5.6 minutes. Ain't nobody got time for that! When I microwaved some frozen veggies for lunch the other day, the instructions called for a cook time of 5.5 minutes. What would rather do with a spare 5.6 minutes—waste 5.1 of them defiling yourself, or cook some life-giving vegetation and, like, start opening the microwave door? I know what I'd choose.

The sex times in the study varied widely, from a very efficient 33 seconds to one couple that went an unbelievable 44 minutes. I'm sure there's no chance that half of this particular couple happened to be one of the researchers spinning this web of lies, I'm sorry, "conducting the study." But we'll never know, because they won't release the names of the couples, or other relevant information like video confirmation of their participation or pictures of the participants (just the girl ones).

5.6 minutes. You could very casually smoke a cigarette in that amount of time. It may be worse for your health, but would be a lot more enjoyable than 5.1 unnecessary minutes of all that thrashing and rutting. I'm pretty sure that if God wanted sex to be an athletic endeavor, He'd have designed us so that coitus required holding ourselves in a handstand.

Next thing you know, they'll try to tell us that the average penis is a preposterous 5.2 inches long. What do you need all that for? Are you going to implant a baby directly in her womb? Sperm can swim for a reason, you know.

Science—a reprehensible practice, carried out by lying charlatans. Defund it.




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