How To Apologize Without Really Apologizing

By Sgt. Olivia Betchson

As betches, we’d like to believe we’re perfect. We basically are, but that doesn’t mean betches don’t make mistakes at some point in their lives. It happens, and when you fuck up royally, you’re expected to apologize. The problem? If you throw around “I’m sorry” too often, you start to look like a spineless loser with “Please wipe your feet” written across your forehead. If you want to keep your Betch card, you have to walk a fine line between knowing when you really fucked up bad and making amends, and not being a doormat. Basically you do this by giving the appearance apologizing without actually being sorry. So here’s the betches guide to apologizing….sort of.

Rule #1: Never say you’re sorry.

Say the words “I’m sorry” and the game is basically up. You have admitted defeat and there is no recovery for you. But this is the English language, and there are many ways to say “I’m sorry” that don’t carry that same connotation. Any of the following passive-aggressive synonyms will do:

I regret that… Translation: I regret that you’re being a pain in the ass about this.

I apologize. Translation: IDGAF.

My apologies. Translation: I almost gave one fuck for a second. Oh look, there it goes…

Rule #2: Avoid face-to-face apologies.

It’s passive AF and it might look slightly immature, but look, betches hate confrontation almost as much as we hate Anne Hathaway. Luckily for us, there is almost no end to technology that allows us to avoid talking to people in-person. If you can send an apology by email, text, Groupchat, carrier pigeon, whatever—do it. This way you don’t have to practice your acting skills by pretending like you’re sincere, and the person on the other end of the screen can’t tell if you’re like actually sorry or if you’re just saying that.

Rule #3: Invite the person to make amends (happy hour)

This depends on context, like you prob won’t get away with inviting your boss to happy hour to “make up.” But like, if your frenemy found out you were talking shit about her, just invite her to get drinks or brunch so she knows you really care about her and value her in your life (read: want to stay on her good side to get invited to her awesome lake house).

Rule #4: Don’t get caught again.

You should probs change your behavior slightly so you don’t get yourself into a situation where you’re forced to apologize for the same thing you already non-apologized for. That doesn’t mean you shouldn’t talk shit about Kelly, but like, don’t talk shit about her to people who like her. Use your brain.




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