How To Be A Stone Cold Betch

By Miss Ameribetch

The holidays are here and unfortunately it’s a time when your exes sometimes remember how lonely they are and hit you up for some reminiscing. But the only thing Winter reminds betches of is how to be cold. It’s no coincidence that betches love the movie Frozen, the art of being an ice queen is as instinctive to us as being a hot mess is to Lindsay Lohan.

Being a stone cold betch is one of the many skills we have on our resumes that make betches superior as humans. From Anne Boleyn to Betty Draper, betches have learned throughout history to meet cheating husbands and douchebag suitors with Xanax and blank stares. Being an ice queen is an evolutionary skill we picked up to help us survive.

The key to being a stone cold betch is not giving a fuck. Despite our emotional outbreaks during Scandal, when it comes to real life, we know how to put our thoughts on ice. Friends might say we’re being too cold or even question if we ever had a heart to begin with, but we know that caring too much about anything, especially bros, is a one way street to nice girl sadness.

But what if the SAB you’re trying to ignore starts sending uncharacteristic “I miss you” texts? Before you give in and let your heart be warmed, just visualize him making out with that skanky girl that keeps liking his facebook statuses… you’ll remember why you’re ignoring him in the first place. Keep any signs of sympathy locked up in the freezer that is your heart - unless he’s apologizing with diamonds, that is.

The only time a stone cold betch might give in and show emotions is when it will make her look more human and likable and therefore gets something she wants. Example of this is would be at work, when her boss is about to find out she hasn’t done any work for the past 8 weeks.  Even a stone cold betch will dig deep into the cracks of her arctic heart to give an Academy Award winning speech about her family emergency that’s stressing her out and how she just doesn’t want to disappoint anyone around her blah blah.

Aside from situations like this, showing emotion is a sign of weakness. We go by a strict one strike policy. Doesn’t matter if you’re a bro, a friend, or a rival, the key to winning is to not need anything from other people. And as any Trader Joe’s employee will tell you, frozen items last the longest. Keep it stone cold, betches.




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