April 11, 2014
When it comes to the art of not caring, betches are fucking Michelangelo. But at the same time, we're still human and every so often we get an a little green. Not from eating too much kale, although I guess that could maybe happen too if you’re not careful? Regardless, we’re talking about "being jeal."
Not going to go into the myriad of reasons a betch could become jealous because you all have imaginations and I don’t know your life. However when it does flare up it's important that you know how to deal with it like a betch instead of like turning into a raging Godzilla on a rampage, destroying everything in your path…no matter how many friends you lose, or people you leave dead and bloodied along the way, just so you can make a name for yourself as an investigatory journalist.
Remember that time you pretended to be super into #61 yoga? Well that brief phase of your life is your best friend now. What you need is some deep inhales to slow your heart rate and calm those stab-y thoughts. Whisper “ohm” to yourself, or “Namaste.” I don’t know, I take pilates.
Usually when you’re so wrapped up in your own jealousy you can’t see straight or think like a rational human being with basic reasoning capabilities. This is where your besties come in. No one likes to hear that they’re being crazier than Jodi Arias but in times like this you need the opinion of a completely objective third party with absolutely no personal interest in the matter to point out how fucking insane you’re acting and hopefully instill you with so much shame that you snap the fuck out of it and apologize for wasting everyone’s time with your oversensitive ass.
If 9 seasons of HIMYM taught you anything, it’s that a friend will always be there to slap you into another dimension. Think of it this way: the pain of the slap is temporary, the episode of True Life: I’m Jealous you’d otherwise be starring in will last forever.
Yeah ok maybe Caroline just lost 5 pounds and has achieved that perfect “Derelicte” look you’ve been chasing after for months but like at least you don’t have a butterface. Also (time for reason again) she’s going to gain back all the weight she lost on that cleanse the second she eats anything with a texture.
Once you’ve vented to your 12 best friends and they’ve humored you with their best advice/sympathy combo, it’s time to stop fucking talking about whatever is bothering you because now you’re just annoying and needy. So stop caring. Reach into your brain and find the “caring” switch and shut that shit down. And if you can’t and still find yourself caring, pretend like you don’t, and eventually you won’t anymore. It’s really that simple.