How To Brunch Like A Betch

By Betchen Wieners

Is there anything we love more than brunch? Probs not. What could be better than day drinking on a patio with your besties and recounting the drunk decisions of the previous night, all while consuming the best (not to mention, priciest) carbs your city has to offer? There’s no better feeling than the one you get after finishing off your 2nd Mimosa carafe…everything in the world just makes sense and you’d do anything to feel this way forever. This is why betches far and wide continue to go against common sense weekend after weekend (obvy, this means eating while remaining immobile for 2-3 hours) and brunching the shit out of our beloved Saturdays and Sundays. However, as great as we know your brunches already are, you could be missing out on some key points that will not only improve your dining experience, but can have long-lasting effects on your life as well. Ordering a Bloody Mary alongside your personal Mimosa carafe is a great start, but we have a few more tips to help you bring your brunch level from basic to betch-worthy.

Work out before

Is it really necessary for me to remind you about this? As with every important life event, it is crucial to work out beforehand. If you want to enjoy your dining experience without hating yourself for the better part of the next week, you want to burn at least 600 calories before brunch time. What gourmet brunches lack in Bisquick and GMO’s is made up for in calories and fat. Experienced brunchers are painfully aware of this fact, so they prep accordingly.

Don’t neglect your hangover

Due to the fact that 90% of us at brunch are still recovering from last night’s misadventures, it’s extremely important to get your mind and body in day drinking mode. Also, it would be such a waste to choke down your extreme calorie consumption rather than enjoy it to its fullest potential. Pop a couple of B12, as many ibuprofens as it takes to make the room stop spinning (at least 4), and a long shower. If you took the aforementioned steps seriously, you’ll have already worked out and sweated out most of the remaining alcohol in your body. Now you’re sober, refreshed and ready to get day drunk.

Drink your calories

By no means is this me telling you to avoid the delicious delicacies offered to you on the brunch menu. On the contrary, order whatever you would never be caught with Monday – Friday. However, make sure you get in an ample amount of alcohol before overloading the waiter with your lengthy food order. Brunch drinks are just as exciting (if not more so) than their edible counterparts, so have a round or two before diving in on the entrees. Maybe after finishing those off you’ll find you aren’t quite as hungry as you thought. Bonus! Quality over quantity. Brunch is not the time to skimp. Go big or go home, betches. If your individual brunch tab doesn’t frequently break into the $40+ price range, you’re doing it wrong. There’s no way you drank enough if you spent less than that. There’s a reason restaurants only have brunch on the weekends…so we can thoroughly enjoy it without going broke.

Don’t put a time limit on it

You can’t rush perfection. In order to have the best brunch experience, it’s important to go into it knowing this is the most productive you’ll be all day. Brunch can only truly begin once you’ve let all personal expectations go. The best brunches are the ones that can combine your love of Bloody Marys and Vodka Sodas…i.e.: they go all day and into the night. Sure, you weren’t planning on spending the evening belting Britney in a shady club across town, yet here you are. Just go with it! No matter where your day/night takes you, remember the cardinal rule of brunching: most places serve it until 3 pm. You have plenty of time.





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