How To Celebrate Independence Day Like A Betch

By Miss Ameribetch

Independence Day is one of the betchiest holidays.  Just for the name itself, it’s already very betchy. But throw in wearing swimsuits (aka dressing slutty), it literally being illegal to work, day drinking, and celebrating America, this holiday gives Halloween a run for its money. Sure, it’s not New Year’s Eve status, but it’s like the chill cousin that you know will always be a good time. Plus we’re in the middle of summer, and your tan is better than ever.

The holiday is all about independence, and therefore it’s all about us. We all put our hands up when Destiny’s Child asks… come to think about it, Beyonce loves asking people to put their hands up in songs. Regardless, celebrating Independence day is also about celebrating your independence as a betch.  You run the world, and what better way to prove it by stuffing hot dogs in your face in a fucking bikini.  That’s brave, and that’s America.

While you’re laying poolside or beachside or roof-side on this beautiful day, just remember that you’re truly #blessed that red white and blue all look so good on you.  As a throwback to theme party days, you fucking love that every barbecue is full of color coordinated drinks and snacks.  Nothing more American than drinking out of a tall boy covered in stars and stripes.

Even if you’re not rolling deep and just hanging with a few besties, you’ll still be high on the fact that literally everyone in your country is celebrating.  But if you are sweating with a crew, you’ll want to roll in right before the fireworks, which is basically a light show endorsed by Uncle Sam. 

The summer is a barren wasteland for holidays, mostly because the sun doesn’t need much backup for already being awesome, but Independence Day does the job.  While you're drinking vodka out of a watermelon, remember that our forefathers fought for that freedom.  And remember that if countries were people, America would be a betch.





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