May 18, 2014
A major part of getting your shit together is being on top of your sexual health. While a lot of guys can fuck you up emotionally, there are those out there who the potential to do much worse. When I say worse I don’t mean like the atrocity of taking you to a three star restaurant, I’m talking about their propensity give you the worst party foul of all: a baby.
Now some claim that birth control makes you gain weight, and for some betches and birth control types, that’s more true. However, nothing will make you gain more weight than a fucking baby. Just ask your mom who used to be a size 0 and now is...not. Now if you’re looking to have a kid, that’s chill. I hope you’re married or at least in a long-term committed relationship or like, make enough money to afford your in-vitro spawn. But if you’re having sex on the reg and are not looking to become Katherine Heigl in Knocked Up, it’s time to learn the facts about which birth control you should be on.
Our betch ancestors worked long and hard to get the right for the easy dispersion of this shit, so you better get on one of these methods before any bro gets on you. Unwanted babies are not chic, just look at of the girls on Teen Mom 2 to reinforce that.
How it works: The guy puts the condom on his penis or you put it on for him. See your health ed teacher for specifics of this shit or like, watch a YouTube video. It’s pretty simple. To throw it out wrap it in toilet paper and put it in the garbage (hopefully he’s not so gross that he won’t do this himself).
Pros: Personally, I hate condoms. They feel like you’re fucking a shower curtain and you also have to remember to put them on no matter how drunk you are if you don’t want to wind up at an abortion clinic or make the awkward trip to get Plan B. However, you need to use one EVERY TIME if you’re not on birth control or seeing a guy exclusively. Seriously betches, herpes lasts forever even if your one night stand only lasted ten minutes so you better have the guy wear one if you’re not positive he’s seeing only you and STI free. Also, you should be on birth control AND condoms in most cases, unless you’re having sex with your boyfriend who has been tested. No one wants to marry a betch with Chlamydia.
Other pros include that they require no prep, they’re easy to access (they’re at every drug store in America), they’re relatively cheap, protect you against STIs, and very portable. Always keep a couple in your drawer. Who gives a shit what your judgmental housekeeper thinks.
Cons: You have to use them every single time if you’re not on another birth control, they make for worse sex, you can forget/not give a shit about using one when you’re fucked up.
Good for: The betch who rarely has sex, the betch who has sex with randos a lot, having sex with anyone you’re not exclusive with.
Pros: I used the pill all throughout college and it sometimes takes a while to find one that’s right for you (i.e. doesn’t make you gain weight, doesn’t make you get your period every two weeks, makes your skin look amazing etc.). Once you do you’ll usually swear by it and have more loyalty to it than your Rag and Bone jeans.
Cons: The pill doesn’t protect against STIs, it’s sometimes a pain in the ass to remember to take it every day and bring it with you whenever you’re traveling, you get varying results/period issues depending on the brand you use most of the time.
Good for: The conscientious betch, your first time using birth control, abstinent betches who want to regulate their periods/improve their skin, betches with boyfriends who don’t want to use condoms.
How it works: You put it in, it’s as easy as putting in a tampon. You forget about it for three weeks until your iPhone calendar reminds you to take it out. Once you take it out, you get your period and put a new one in a week later.
Pros: You don’t have to think about it for the three weeks until your iPhone calendar reminds you to take it out or put it in again, it’s easy to put in. There’s a lower dose of hormones in the Ring so there’s probably a lower chance of you gaining weight.
Cons: You have to finger yourself to get it out but like whatever, just wash your fucking hands. Also, I’ve heard guys say they can feel it if they’re fingering you which is slightly awk but most can’t feel it during sex. It also can (but most likely won’t) come out during sex so make sure you put it right back in after (it can’t be out more than a few hours or it lowers its effectiveness). Also doesn’t protect against STIs.
Good for: The forgetful or lazy betch, the betch who’s comfortable with her body enough to stick her finger in her vag.
How it works: Your gyno inserts the IUD in your uterus and takes it out between 3 and 12 years later, or whenever you want to have a baby.
Pros: You literally never have to think about it until you want it removed, safer for smokers. Paragard doesn’t affect your hormone levels and Mirena makes your periods much lighter (for some women their periods stop completely).
Cons: If you might want to have a baby in the relatively near future it’s probably not worth it, doesn’t help your skin, you might not get your period which some betches don’t like because it gives them anxiety that they’re pregnant.
Good for: The betch who hasn’t already had a kid, is young and doesn’t want to have a kid for a really long time, the lazy/forgetful betch.
How it works: Your doctor gives you a shot that makes you not get pregnant for three months.
Pros: You don’t have to think about it for three months, shorter periods, good if you can’t take estrogen.
Cons: MOST LIKELY TO MAKE YOU GAIN WEIGHT, can make you get longer more intense periods. You also have to get an injection and there’s no way to get off it. Once you get the shot, it’s in and it lasts for three months.
Good for: The betch who’s trying to gain weight, I’d personally stay away.
How it Works: Some pills like Ella and Yuzpe require a prescription. ParaGard is an IUD you can insert after having unprotected sex that has to be put in by your doctor. You can get Plan B One-Step without a prescription; Levonorgestrel pills are available without prescription if you’re seventeen or older. Remember that it's NOT the same as an abortion pill.
Pros: The act of buying it is a good reminder that you need to get your shit together, great for making sure you didn’t get pregnant if you messed up.
Cons: No one wants to have to run to the drug store when they’re hungover, you need to take it up to 72 hours after having unprotected sex, it may cause you to get sick or affect your period, the longer you wait to take it the less effective it is.
Good for: If you fucked up and are not on birth control and had unprotected sex (or the condom broke). Don’t make this shit a habit; it shouldn’t be your preferred method of birth control.
It’s chill to have as much sex as you want but make sure you’re protecting yourself in the process, betches. Pregnancy is 100% preventable so get your shit together!