How to: Cook A Fucking Turkey | Betches

How to: Cook A Fucking Turkey

By The Betches

Okay, so, this post is to help combat the myth that turkey is like, difficult in any way as the gorge-fest that is Thanksgiving slowly rolls toward us this week.


I mean, it’s like cooking a big chicken i.e. not fucking hard. And aside from reaching inside the big frozen turkey’s big frozen ass to dig around for the frozen neck (which yes, does feel like a long, hard frozen dick) and giblets, I have faith that the domestic or learning-to-be domestic betch can pull this off.

Rules: People are bitching these days about stuffing the turkey and how it can spread e.Coli or some shit and while I totally don’t believe it /science can fuck off, I’m providing a recipe for a non-stuffed bird. Secondly, you need to cook your turkey at 325F for two hours for a 10-12 lb turkey, and then 15 minutes for every fucking pound after that. Then you’re gonna cook it longer at a higher temp, but we’ll get to that. Here’s a chart, Karen.

Cook time:

  • 10-12 lbs = 2 hrs
  • 13 lbs = 2 hrs, 15 mins
  • 14 lbs = 2 hrs, 30 mins
  • 15 lbs = 2 hrs, 45 mins
  • 16 lbs = 3 hrs
  • 17 lbs = 3 hrs, 15 mins
  • 18 lbs = 3 hrs, 30 mins
  • 19 lbs = 3 hrs, 45 mins
  • 20 lbs = 4 hrs


Equipment:

Moving on. You’re going to need a big, big, big piece of foil, a roasting pan (either legit or the ghetto foil kind, whatever), and a meat thermometer.

Ingredients:

  • 1 turkey, no longer frozen
  • 1 onion, cut into quarters
  • 2 carrots, cut into quarters
  • 1 apple, any color or type
  • A bouquet of poultry herbs or the following: a bunch of sage, rosemary, thyme, and marjoram (as long as there’s sage it’s whatever)
  • Half stick melted butter (you won’t use all of it so chill TF out)
  • Salt and pepper

Preheat your oven to 325F. Grab your turkey, pull out the neck and giblets. You’ll be digging for a heart, liver, and gizzard. We suggest you drink before this part. Toss the liver, save the heart, gizzard, and neck for gravy if you want to make it, otherwise you can throw that shit out too. If you DO want to make gravy, you’ll literally boil these parts, toss them, save the broth, add some pan juices and flour and BAM – gravy. Just ask your mom.

Anyway, rinse the turkey inside and out with cold water, then dry off with paper towels. Once dry, season inside and out LIBERALLY with salt and pepper. Next, you need to stuff the turkey with your onion, carrot, apple, and herbs. If it doesn’t all fit, it doesn’t matter – you’re not eating the aromatics anyway.


Place the turkey breast side up in the roasting pan. Brush the whole thing with the melted butter, and place in the oven UNCOVERED. I always roast my turkey uncovered FIRST – that way you can see how much it’s browning and cover it later.

After the allotted time has passed, open the oven, baste the turkey with more butter, then tent the turkey with foil (you can tent prior to this if the turkey was getting tanner than your ginger friend at the beach). Like literally, get a big piece of foil, kind of fold it in half, and place it over your turkey.

Crank up the oven’s heat to 425F and roast for another hour or until the meat at the thigh registers 165F with your meat thermometer. When it’s done, remove the turkey from the oven and let it rest for at least 20 minutes.

THERE YOU GO, KIDS. See, it isn’t that fucking difficult. I’m convinced you could each make a lovely turkey while drunk unless you’re fucking stupid. Cheers, betches.




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LET IT OUT, HONEY

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