How to Cook a Fucking Artichoke

By Betchy Crocker

I’ll be the first to admit that I don't know wtf I’m even doing when I see an artichoke. These strange vegetables (ugh they’re technically a fucking thistle) are probably the biggest pain in the ass to deal with. Whether it’s the fact that the leaves turn brown and gross once you cut them, or that eating them feels weird, OR that you have to do actual work to get to the tiny edible pieces inside, this bitchy side dish makes you work for its love.

Are they delicious? Fuck yes. And I’m sure you’ll let me know in the comments that “OMG my Nanna from Italy/Spain/France/Genovia/District 12 doesn’t make them this way and you’re wrong” but srsly this is the easiest way to make artichokes for those of us who don’t have Nanna’s special clap dance spell down for peeling the artichoke faster.

  1. When you buy your artichokes, look at them, feel them, etc. Don’t get weird. If you notice thorns on the end of the leaves, using kitchen shears, cut the thorned tips off of the leaves. Also, you may as well just trim off the top quarter of the artichoke – about ¾ of an inch.
  2. For our steaming purposes, you’ll want to remove the stem. With a large knife, cut off the stem at the base of the artichoke so that it can stand on a flat surface.
  3. As previously mentioned, these bitches start turning brown the second you start cutting. Combat this by taking a lemon half and rubbing it all over the leaves and cuts.
  4. In a large pot, put a couple inches of water along with the 2 garlic cloves (you can leave them whole), a lemon (srsly use the one you just rubbed all over this bitch), 2 bay leaves, and fresh thyme. Place a steamer basket inside, and then add the artichokes. Cover the pot and bring to a boil, then reduce heat to a simmer. Cook for 25-45 minutes or until the outer leaves of the artichoke can be easily pulled off.

If you don’t know how to eat this, you’re going to pull off a leaf, dunk it in clarified butter laced with lemon juice (people use mayonnaise but I'm sure their diabetes made them do it), then scrape the meaty part off with your teeth. Discard the leaf. No joke. As you get more toward the middle, the leaves should be tender enough that you can eat them whole.

Lastly, when you get to the center, remove the remaining tiny leaves then use a large spoon to scoop out the fuzzy hairs surrounding the heart. Cut it into pieces and eat.

Whoever thought artichokes weren’t a fucking pain in the ass was seriously disturbed. But they’re delicious, so it’s whatever.




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