You’re a young, hot betch with the world (read: tons of pros) at your disposal, so why would you want to limit yourself to just one? Answer: you wouldn’t. That’s why when it comes to dating, betches do it just like we do everything else: casually.
There are many ways to date someone not seriously and still be a card-carrying betch.
"Hanging Out": If you’re under the age of 40, this phrase means you’re talking to/hooking up with some pro, and you guys both like spending time with each other but you’re both too scared to pull the trigger and DTR—as opposed to chilling at the mall, which is what your mom thinks it means. This is pretty betchy, but it’s dangerously close to teetering over the edge of “casual” into the “serious” zone, so just make sure you’re clear on what you want and keep it on lock.
Friends with Benefits: If you have a FWB situation, you don’t actually have a friend with benefits. You have a guy who stuck around long enough for you to break your rule of #8 not fucking bros. This can work out to your benefit because you can hook up with someone you actually stand to be around, and odds are the sex will be good since you don’t have to hide your muffin top. The only downside is that in a FWB situation even more so than “hanging out,” keeping your feelings in check is everything. If you don’t shut it down, feelings will be the iceberg that sink your entire ship.
Booty Call: Booty call situations are ideal, provided you have a reliable pro who will drop everything and let you sit on his face at a moment’s notice. The golden rule of betchy booty calls is: you must always be the booty-caller, never the booty call.
The John Tucker: Also known (by everybody but me) as going on dates with a bunch of people at once. This is what all betches should be striving for, tbh. You’re maximizing free shit potential (dinners, drinks, surprise trips to tropical islands) while minimizing loss—if things don’t work out with one of the guys it’s onto the next one (as Hov would say).
The Almost Boyfriend: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Avoid at all costs. If a guy is acting like your boyfriend but at the same time telling you to your face that he doesn’t want a girlfriend, fucking run. Staying will only cause you tons of heartache and Dear Betch letters.
If you find yourself in any one of these casual dating scenarios, here are some standard tips for winning in any situation.
- Never initiate contact. If a guy’s into you, he’ll text you. If you have to hit him up constantly, we might as well start calling you Ginnifer Goodwin ‘cause he’s just not that into you.
- Never make yourself too available. No matter how much you like the guy, you should be turning down dates every so often so he knows (or thinks) you have other friends. Plus, maintaining a mysterious image is only going to make him like you more. Fact.
- Make sure he’s aware that you have eyes for other bros. But not in a skanky way. Like, maybe “accidentally” let him see that you still have Tinder on your phone, or something. You know, keep it subtle.
For more tips on how not to turn your love life into a trainwreck, go see Universal Pictures' new movie Trainwreck, starring our main betch Amy Schumer.