February 19, 2014
Him: Okay so one time I swallowed a quarter.
You: Hahaha oh my god, stop, how did that even happen?!
Him: Well, I was running with change in my mouth…
You: Hahaha how old were you?
Him: Oh this was like three weeks ago!
Record scratch. Shit just got weird. This bro is dumb. as. fuck.
The Dumb As Fuck Bro is the guy who says "that's what's up" instead of "thank you" when the server pours his #31 wine, and accuses you of "breaking out the SAT words" whenever you say something like "regardless". Don't be surprised if he nods in agreement when you attempt something sarcastic like "there's nothing worse than old wine." Although talking to him makes you wonder if he actually knows how to read, don't write him off just yet. DAFBs are often uber hot and/or rich, and as a betch, you have perfected the art of not paying attention. Therefore, we suggest that you just don't pay attention to like 95% of what this bro says, because it probably sounds like this:
To the barista at Starbucks: Extra room. Just how I roll.
To his bro at the gym: Why you working out your legs bro? CHEST DAY
Other signs that you are dating a Dumb as Fuck Bro include (but are definitely not limited to):
1. Misspells words that he should definitely know how to spell.
Example: Spelling the word "trial" T-R-I-L-E when he is pre-law. When you try to tell him the correct way to spell "trial", he insists that you're spelling the word "trail".
2. Uses cliches and turns of phrase to make it seem like he's forming actual sentences even though he's not.
Example: In the end, and in other words, it is what it is, and all of that, you know what I mean?
3. Says "no homo"
4. Doesn't know anyone who wasn't huge in pop culture in the past two years
Example: He definitely knows everything there is to know about Kanye but has no idea who the fuck Woody Allen is.
5. Can't do simple math.
If you're vibing a DAFB, minimize contact between the him and the family. While you can see his redeeming qualities, your parents don't know how good his weed is. Under no circumstances should this bro attend an intimate family gathering where your parents can ask him questions about what he does for a living, politics, or like, the weather. You don't want them finding out that he thinks that dragons were the most badass dinosaurs or that "Spain" was just what Mexico was called a really long time ago. "He's not an international relations major, Dad, who gives a shit?!".
When introducing him to your besties, make it casual, brief, and be sure to do all the talking. Never let them speak to him without you around. If they catch on to his DAFB status they will always be pulling this shit:
Betch: Hey Jason, where are Danish people from?
Jason: Um..like, Daneland?
Ha fucking Ha.
When this happens, all you can do is call them out for being dumb as fuck too - "Lindsay, you thought the sun was a planet; Danielle, I'm pretty sure you still think Africa is a country. You can walk home bitches." If all else fails, just tell them that he's so mentally slow because he's high as fuck. It's at least half true.
While it can be really embarrassing to date a DAFB, it has it's perks. The fact that he's so clueless makes him really easy to manipulate. Sure, he may ask you things like "How do I know if these ice cubes are ready?", but he is the only person who will actually not tell you to go fuck yourself when you say you "lost" the eightball and won't judge you for not understanding what it means to be on the southeast corner of a NYC street corner.
These bros also provide endless entertainment to help ease our boredom by saying funny shit like this every three minutes:
How long do you think it takes a giraffe to throw up?
So what is the capital of India, actually? I know it's not France.
Obvs, the screenshots are gold. I mean who's to say laughing with someone is necessarily more fun than laughing at them, right?
And remember betches, DAFBs are ironically some of the most successful people on the planet. Like remember George W. Bush? G Dubs was the President for two terms without being able to pronounce the word "nuclear". He invaded a country over a word he couldn't pronounce. Dumb as fuck bros are often street smart and if you can deal with the fact that your future children might have to attend Lynn University or think that Canada is overseas they might even have long term potential. I mean just because Sharleen couldn't handle the DFB that doesn't mean you can't.