May 7, 2014
You’re driving down the road, or backing up, or making a left turn, minding your own business, thinking about how you really wanna lose 3 pounds when BAM!
You hit something. SHIT! Was that a pedestrian, or worse, a dog?!
You quickly apprehend the situation—and by that I mean, some asshole comes charging out of his car screaming at you—and you realize: you’ve hit another car. Phew. Okay. That’s…kind of bad, but not so bad.
Don't reach into your purse for that emergency Xanax just yet. Take deep breaths and remember: you’re a betch...which means you #130 drive like a fucking idiot but you're also smart as fuck. You’ll get through this.
The first thing you need to do is resist the urge to start breaking out every curse word you know and actually get out of your car and take a look at the havoc you may have caused. Protip: pull over to the side of the road, then get out. Also I don’t mean like check the other person’s car to see how badly you damaged their bumper—that’s not what’s important here. The focus here (surprise) is on you and your car. Is your door dented? Do all of your lights work correctly? (You’re going to need to know how to turn those on.) Is, God forbid, your paint scratched? Cross your fingers and say a prayer to the BMW gods that your car is unscathed because otherwise your dad is gonna be like, sooo fucking pissed.
If you hit a car and yours isn’t the one that took most of the impact, that means the other person’s did, so they’re going to probably be furious, at best. This is the one time where your betchy powers of exaggeration won’t help you—it’s time to downplay the fuck out of this situation. "It’s not that bad" is your best friend. It’s not that bad, it’s really just a scratch = their passenger side door is completely smashed in. Oh, I’m sorry, is this like your only car?
Never admit you’re wrong; it shows weakness. Even if you were doing something totally illegal/dumb af, there’s always someeee bit of blame that can be placed on the other person. The tricky part is finding that blame; once you do just blow it more out of proportion than Kim’s measurements in relation to her height. “If you were really driving defensively you would have noticed that I accidentally ran that stop signs and you’d have braked accordingly.” There are two sides to every story so no matter how bad you fucked up, DON’T BACK DOWN!
Now that you’ve noted whether or not your car was hurt, it’s time to check to see that you were not hurt. The easiest way to get some annoying rando who’s pissed about his Corolla off your back is to make him feel bad for the totally real and legitimate injury his negligence has caused you. “I can’t turn my head all the way to the left, even though I’m an ambiturner. It must be whiplash!” Also, never forget about the power of “emotional damages.” When your dad threatens to make you pay for your own insurance once your rates spike after this fender bender, you’re going to feel like, sooo much distress. Def threaten to sue the shit out of them, obv don’t actually go through with filing a claim because that’s way too much paperwork.
Once you've gone through the steps and hopefully avoided calling the police, you can take a step back and chill. Accept that fender benders are a part of life, however annoying, but the only other alternative is to like actually pay attention to the road, and no one wants to do that. I mean, especially not when your group text is going apeshit and there's a funny typo on a nearby sign you just have to Snapchat. At the end of the day even if your car is totaled you’ve def caused way worse damage before, like that time freshman year when you hit frat row after Bid Day.