February 25, 2015
It can take anywhere from a week to a few months for the working betch to find her groove, to master the tricky balance of appearing to be working hard while she is actually hardly working. The most crucial part in maintaining this façade is your boss—getting him/her to trust you so that they’re not constantly checking up on you (and subsequently, discovering all the NastyGal purchases you’ve been making on the clock).
So what the fuck do you do when you get a new boss and all the time you spent establishing that trust is gone? First, you need to take time to properly mourn your loss. That’s a lot of quality manipulation down the drain. You’re also probably going to feel a lot of anger. That, too, is completely natural. Let it out, betch (just like, not where anyone you work with can see/hear it).
Once you’ve said your proper goodbyes, it’s time to do some recon. This is crucial. Is your new boss a sleazy old dude who’ll give you a raise if you let him call you sugartits? You can work with this. Is he/she a washed-up Michael Scott who just wants to be everyone’s friend? You can work with that, too. Is she a hard-working, no-nonsense lady who constantly needs to remind everyone that she didn’t use her looks to get where she is? Good fucking luck, she probably hates you already.
Next, you need to devise a strategy. Depending on the type of boss you have, some things might work at some might not. For instance, if your boss is the #BitchBoss you’re probably not going to get away with complimenting her shoes. Trying to suck up to her in general probs won’t do, either. However, sometimes (subtly) sucking up to your boss works. It’s not a noble act, but like going to the UGH’s pregame or pretending to be into sports, sometimes it must be done.
Once the new boss makes their office debut, you have to lay low. Like, post-arrest Bobby Shmurda, low. This means: keep your head down, actually do your work (hoping you remember how), and generally don’t try to draw attention to yourself. Get to work early—or if you can’t manage that, simply showing up on time will do. Stay late, discreetly pretending to do work, but no more than like ten minutes (“I’m just finishing something up real quick!”) and then peace before you can get roped into any real responsibility. This is how you can fool your supervisors into thinking you’re a trustworthy employee who is invaluable to the company. I mean, you are invaluable—somebody’s got to be the one to up the hot ratio and organize happy hours—but the new boss doesn’t know that yet.